There are days that will make you question everything that has been happening in your life. That day when you reach your limit of enduring it all. That day when you suddenly burst out and makes you want to cry nonstop. That exhaustion. That you are so fed up of your life and makes you want to end it.
Some people called it seeking attention. But that's depression. People joke about it but the truth is people feel every bit of it.
I for myself, feel it everyday! Sometimes i can bear it but sometimes it's just really exhausting to act like a brave and a strong person.
There are days that i will question myself, 'If i didn't do this or that, maybe all will be well?'
And i would scream, 'I just want my life back. Please!'
Yeah, i have family who loves me, who'll support me and will always be there. But trust me, it will never be enough. Those 'I love yous', those 'I'll be here for yous', and those hugs and kisses? It will make you feel good for a second but depression will always win.
I want to be a strong person, people think i am. But honestly, those are all bullshit!
I want to inspire people, people think i can. But honestly, i don't think i can.
My pain are endless. My tears are forever. I have kept that in my mind for a long time now. And all i want to do is end it. But i don't know how.
I pray all the time, i blame Him all the time, i curse Him all the time and i am sorry every time.
I just really don't get it sometimes. And it's tiring, questioning Him every time, 'Why me?' 'Of all the people out there? Why me' 'I never asked for this cancer. Please just give my life back.'
Some people say those are just boobs, and they are not that important. Well, news flash! Wait for it to happen to you and say those words again!
It's not just boobs for us, it's the pain we are going through. It's the weary. It's the emptiness. It's the feeling of incomplete. It's the feeling of wanting your life back before this cancer happen to you.
Sorry for making this chapter a little depressing and carefree. But all of this are true. I feel it everyday and everyday i want to end my life and end everyone's misery of me being their problem.
I just don't want to be a burden anymore. I just don't want to be someone's pain in the ass anymore.
