Midnight Butterfly

ten.

Last night I didn't see the blue butterfly. I woke up different this time, I felt different in a way I just couldn't explain. I noticed the sky from out the window. A spreading sunrise, pinkish glow, clouds tinted, colors spread across the sky announcing the new day, oranges and reds painted across the clouds as if by a celestial hand. Truly beautiful.

I sat up on my bed and sighed deeply. I stared at the door, listening to the muffled conversations on the other side. My chest was heavy, my head pounding. I was tired of living like this. Tired of living through the same day constantly. It wasn't even living at this point, it was just surviving. I looked over at my desk where my notebook was. I hadn't touched it in days. I grabbed it and flipped through it. It was empty. How is that possible? I clearly remember writing down everything I could remember. The pages weren't ripped out and there weren't eraser marks. Have I finally made it to my breaking point? I threw the notebook across the door and brought my hands to my head. I got up and left my room. I held onto my arms as I stepped down the stairs. The sun hurt my eyes just as much as it burned my body.

"Morning." Charlie greeted me.

"Hey." I stood there awkwardly.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah." I took a seat across from him. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Just sorry if I've caused you any trouble."

"It's all good." He patted my back.

"Morning boys." Carly came into the kitchen.

"Hey." I said.

"Anyone want a smoothie?" She grabbed a class from the cabinet.

"Can I just talk to the both of you for a second."

Carly put her cup down and faced me, Charlie set his phone down.

"I'm so very thankful for you guys taking me in now. I just wanted to apologize if I've ever caused any trouble between you two or caused any tension or anything. I won't be staying much longer so you don't have to worry."

"Max you know you can stay as long as you need it's not a bother at all." Carly said.

"Still I think I should move on. It's better for the both of us."

"Where are you gonna go?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know. I just have to do this, I have to move on."

"Well we'll always be here to support you." Carly wrapped her arms around Charlie's shoulders and looked down at him. "Right?"

"Of course, you're my brother and I love you no matter what."

"Thanks, I just didn't want to leave on bad terms."

"Max you're acting weird." Carly added.

I cleared my throat. "I'm fine."

"Do you want some breakfast? I can make you something."

"No thanks." Stood up. "I'm just gonna lay down for a while."

I walked out of the kitchen and slowly back into my room where I locked the door. I pulled out my box from under my bed and placed it next to me on my bed. I doused myself in the last few bags I had left. One after one I took a hit until my nose burned so much I couldn't any more. I looked down at my hands, they were pale and shaky. I ran over to my mirror to look at myself. I was unrecognizable. I was skeletal, pale. My eyes were bloodshot and my hair was dull. I was hurt at my own self-image. I draped a cover over the mirror and went back to my bed and continued to snort as much as I could.

I was at my last baggie now. My body was numb, my fingertips cold. My head felt like it had been cracked opened and someone was pouring ice inside. The pain was unbearable. I wrapped myself in a blanket, shivering and crawled to the corner of my bed. I was hyperventilating and started crying. I started pounding my hands against my head, why wouldn't it all just end already.

"Charlie." Carly whispered from outside the door. "I think he's crying in there."

"Are you sure?"

"I can hear."

I glanced over into the box at my father gun underneath all the money. I didn't want to have to think anymore, or feel anymore, I just wanted everything to stop. I couldn't live through another day of losing Carly and watching my brother cry. My spine shiver as I realized what I was thinking off, but I ultimately convinced myself it was the only way one. It was the only thing running through my mind these past few days. The only way to stop it. I heard voices swarm around me ear. Any sanity I had left was gone now. I slowly reached for the gun., it was cold. I learned to use a gun in case of an emergency, I guess this somewhat justifies as one. I slowly unloaded the gun taking the bullets out one at a time until I was left with only one bullet. I tossed the rest into the box and shut it. I grabbed the gun again turned off the safety and cocked it. It lay in the palm of both my hands. This was it. I always knew I would die soon, but I always thought it would be either from an overdose, getting mugged, or from developing some kind of disease and being too late for treatment. Never by own hands. Yet being in this moment didn't feel wrong. For once in these past few days I was in control, in real control. I knew where I would wake up tomorrow, I knew things would finally be different for a change. My voices in my head were louder now. I felt like I was being grabbed at by burning hands all around my ears. I couldn't force any emotion out of me. I wasn't scared or nervous, all I could do was stare at it, stare at everything around for it would be the last time I would be seeing any of it. Tears ran down my emotionless face, I let them splash over the gun. I took a deep breath and placed the barrel against the temple of my head. I keep thinking about Carly and Charlie's reaction. I was the only family Charlie had left. They would find my body surrounded in drugs and money and assume I relapse. I only wish it were that easy.

I closed my eyes and kept the gun in position. They say before you die you watch your entire life flash before your eyes. All I could think of it Carly at her best moments. Her smile, her laugh. Then images of that night I saw her jump cluttered my vision. I got angry. I never wanted to have to go through that again, I never want to see that again.

Slowly but surely, I pushed my index finger down on the trigger. A force blew through my head so fast, it was cold but then warm all over. I felt my body ricocheted from the wall back onto the bed and bounce on last time before I lay there with blood gushing out of the hole on the side of my head. Nothing but darkness and silence surrounded me.