He went to bed at around 2 in the morning as usual, sobbing and tossing and turning as he cried himself to sleep remembering her.
She was the definition of grace and beauty. Her long blonde hair, only recently dyed a pastel blue always acted as a curtain to hide her face. Her pale clear skin reflected so beautifully against her dark blue eyes. She was different that was for sure. A feminist, always defending girls and women, especially a woman's body image, even though she stood perfectly at 5'9, 110 lbs. He assumed it was because her self image was so low, she wanted to protect others. She was compassionate like that.
Her three most favorite bands were Pierce the Veil, Of Mice & Men, and Bring Me The Horizon. She had even turned her last 3 blades into Austin Carlisle when she'd met him at Warped Tour, she cried and cried into his shirt and he hugged her tighter than Jess had seen him hug any of the fans, it was if they were long lost best friends. And he knew that no matter who she was dating, her heart would always belong to Austin, Oli, and Vic.
He thought about the moments at Warped, watching her with such love as she sang along to The Death of Me at the Asking Alexandria show, she knew every word. He cried harder thinking about her lovely face scrunched up as she whisper-screamed along with Danny. Her lips moved so gracefully and then he was reminded of her lips and all the amazing things they had done with his. She gave the best kisses, he would never forget the shape of her lips or the way they felt against his. Or the way she smelled. He hoped to god he would never forget the way she smelled.
He heaved sob after sob just thinking about his lovely Lydia. He missed her more than he could ever imagine missing ANYthing else. She was, always has been and always will be his entire world.
He felt a cold hand on his cheek, wiping away a stray tear with a long fingernail. He flinched and looked up slowly, afraid his mom or someone had been hiding under his bed or something but he knew better. Her scent was unmistakable. Her bright eyes shone in the moonlight, gleaming with tears. He knew it was just a dream but he couldn't keep his lips from trembling and he heaved a large sob into her and she hugged him tightly. Just thinking about how he missed her hugs made him cry harder.
"Why'd you do it??" His voice shook roughly with every word. "Didn't you know how much I love you?! How could I ever get over this Lydia...? Why..."
She cried along with him stroking his hair and whispering through her tears "I'm so sorry my love, I'm so sorry."
She held him tightly and he took in her scent once more before accepting the fact that he may wake up at any given moment from this much needed dream. He knew that when he did he'd probably have more suicidal thoughts and who knows? Maybe he's actually do it this time. He would literally give anything to be with Lydia again, his life even, he didn't care.
She looked him in the eyes through their tears and her face looked enlightened yet more broken than ever seeing him like this. As he recalled the day he got the news and the unbearable mix of anger, sadness, and all out hopelessness he felt that day, he cried harder into her shoulder she kissed his hair and moved down to kiss his tears away. He gripped her hair and played with it between his fingers, as he had done for the first time 3 years ago on their 1st anniversary, the night he took her virginity. He cried harder and harder and she whispered "This isn't a dream, love" maybe it was the rush of relief yet utter misery he had gotten from seeing her for the first time in 4 months or maybe it was just the fact that she was Lydia... His rock and the love of his life for the past 4 years, but for some reason he believed her, hell, if she had told him pigs would be able to fly tomorrow he would've believed her.
But he looked up at her and she nodded, smiling her lovely, hopeful smile.
"Just go to sleep my love, I'll be back, I promise."
"No, I can't just let you go like that, not for fucking sleep. I'll stay awake as long as I have to, I can't- I can't lose you again..."
His voice cracked on the last word and a rush of more tears fell down his cheeks.
"Shhhh Jess... Please don't cry anymore... It breaks my heart."
"Ya know what breaks my heart?... The fact that the last things you felt here on earth were hopelessness and... And you felt broken... That I wasn't there to save you and keep my poor Lydia here on this earth and you took 37 fucking sleeping pills. What breaks my heart is that I wasn't there for you... If I had only been there I would've given anything- ANYTHING to stop you. I wouldn't laid down my life for you Lydia, and I've tried!! Three times in the past 4 months!!" He looked to his right and cried some more, he punched the mattress in agony. "Ya know, Lydia, what breaks my hears is that I will never see you again... You were my rock... my princess... I spent more than 4 years in love with you, and all for nothing... You threw it all away Lydia. But it wasn't your fault... I know the pain you must've been in had to be... Unbearable... And I wasn't even there for you to help you..."
Lydia was the one with tears streaming down her face now, biting her lip in an effort to make it as silent as possible.
"How can I live with myself now...? Huh? How am I supposed to go on now..."
She finally let it out and wrapped her arms around him.
"I'm so sorry Jesse, I loved you so much... Jesse it had nothing to do with you I promise..."
He rolled his eyes
"Why, love...? Why couldn't I have been there to talk you out of it, to stop you..."
"It's just not the way it played out, Jess. I'm happier now, I promise, the only thing is you... I couldn't watch you suffer here another day... I had to come see you, I- I love you, more than life itself, literally!"
He gave her a pity laugh because that always made her smile, it worked.
"Well now what...?"
She just looked at him, studied him deeply as a tear rolled down her face.
"I'll visit you regularly, I'll let you know what it's like where I am, it's nice, wonderful even. I've made tons of friends who are so lovely, much sweeter than anyone we ever knew... Here."
There was a long pause. Tears were slowly drying up or sliding off of cheeks, they both just stared at the bed.
"I'm going to do it-"
"No" she said forcefully
He paused... He wasn't used to going against her wishes, the last thing he needed was an angry girlfriend in the afterlife. What if this turns into a fight... He thought. That would've been the first fight they'd ever had, and one of them wasn't even alive for it.
"I'll try it one more time, and you wait for me ok? If it doesn't work I will try my best to move on from this and I'll pick up right where I left off yesterday..."
She looked at him skeptically and he thought about how beautiful she was, even dead.
"I'll give you one try. And it doesn't have to be tomorrow night!"
"Ehh, the sooner the better. I miss you Lydia"
"I miss you too... But you need sleep, I'll stay here till you fall asleep if you want."
So she spooned him tightly and kissed his neck in his last few hours of silent consciousness.
