LETTERS TO REALITY ✓

FROM JIMIN

Fifteen - From Park Jimin

I'm still laughing about your face when you saw me again.

It was fucking hilarious.

I only wanted to reply to your letter after seeing you in person again so here I am, at my desk with cigarette smoke roaming around me as I let myself think about you, finally allowing you to come through clouds of gloominess.

I knew you were coming to Amsterdam. Your parents were the ones who informed me, and it seemed like they wanted us to meet, more than we did.

So, I walked past you, not knowing what to expect and I was astonished because my inner thoughts were right.

I did miss you.

It felt weird seeing you struggle with your luggage and still feeling the urge to want to help you. I guess I've always had that urge, right?

That's what we wanted to do, help each other and fix. Fix our hearts. Fix what flawed us and that was love, nothing but destructive love.

I'm glad we now know that it was entirely impossible.

I didn't mean to scare you, but it was humorous right?

I followed you to your hotel room and you let me. I knew you were overwhelmed from seeing me. Did you ever think we'd meet again? I stood there in stillness, thinking about what to say whilst watching you in complete awe as you took out your luggage, drank from your water bottle, tied up your hair and opened the curtains to reveal a view so magnificent.

Then you sat on your hotel bed and hid your face with your hands.

I knew you were going to cry.

So, I quickly rushed towards you, knocking over the lamp in your room before crouching down in front of you. "Let's go talk outside ... Okay, Seren?"

I hadn't said your name out loud in so long.

You let me wrap my arm around your shoulder as I steered us towards the direction of the park, a place I had grown accustomed to.

I placed my jacket on the grass for the two of us to sit on. I sat beside you, keeping my distance, with my hands holding my knees in front of me and my gaze focused on the playing children. However, you sat beside me with your legs crossed and your hands clasped, staring at the side of my face still in shock.

"What?" I raised my brows at you. "Yes, I've grown more handsome."

You rolled your eyes, looking away from me. "You always have been."

We talked for hours until the sunset, and the temperature changed from warm to bleak. The children disappeared to go home yet we stayed, feeling like our younger selves again, sitting beside each other, changing into different positions to feel relaxed in each other's company as we caught up.

I brought you a cup of hot chocolate and a coffee for me and you let me pay for it ... For once. Bitter and sweet.

You told me about your life, what had happened since I left and what made me blink twice was the fact that you never asked me why I left.

At that moment, I knew that you were the most empathetic.

You told me about you becoming a marriage counsellor, you buying your first house, how it felt to have your own environment, your siblings and family and I told you about my travelling, my journey of finding myself and endless self-love. You nodded, said you were a little jealous and you told me something so meaningful.

Maybe it's a good thing you left me then- you whispered, and your words have stuck with me ever since.

Maybe it was a good thing because I found me- the real me. I overcame my heartbreak over a lover that got taken away from me, I overcame my internal struggles by patching troubles up with my family and friends. My family, this time welcomed me with open arms and didn't take me to the priest.

I travelled, I did everything I had dreamed of doing when I was eighteen and I became the Jimin I wanted to be.

But if I had stayed, maybe we would have been together- in love?

I don't think we would have. I think we'd be together ... But still healing over sorrow that we just avoided.

However, your presence was exclusive, and I know you thought I forgot you ...

But I never did.

There were many times where I wanted to come back to you, apologise for leaving out of the blue and be the one to take you to Amsterdam. I promised you I'd take you one day but isn't it incredible how we met after years in this city?

I decided to take you to my car that was parked outside of your quiet hotel so I could show you one of my favourite places in the city- the canals.

What made it even better was that it was night. The moon reflected on the water and the silence of the city enveloped us as we stood on the bridge. I leaned forward and so did you as we took in the glorious scenery of Amsterdam.

We sat in my car minutes later, you staring out of the window as I lit myself a cigarette. You didn't shout at me the way you used to and that's when it hit me that you had started smoking because of me. "It made me feel closer to you."

You smiled- knowing me like the back of your hand, when I took away the lighter and pack of cigarettes from your hand, throwing them at the back of my car.

The smoke filled the car and you opened the window. I stared at you and thought about how you deserved better than what life had thrown at you.

Then you turned to face me and shot me a small but purposeful smile and I threw away my heated cigarette.

"There's something I need to tell you." That caught your attention- your eyes focused on me instead of the streetlights and rock paths.

"Namjoon's letter." I gulped harshly. "I was at his parents' house and I saw it there. I took it and took it to its rightful place. I hope that's alright with you."

Of course, left your lips as you leaned forward and grasped my hand. Your touch brought back a lot.

You didn't have to tell me, but I already knew I wasn't the only lucky person who got a letter from you.

I know you always thought so small of yourself, but you truly have an impact on so many people Seren.

Including me.

You made me want to get up every morning and conquer the world, travel, be myself and dye my hair crazy colours to match my personality. But at the same time, you reminded me that it's okay not to be okay. You accepted me, understood me and held me when I cried, held me when I was fighting my battles. I did the same for you my Seren.

We were good for each other.

But not in the way we wanted to be. Because our hearts belong to other people.

If that other person is still alive, then please don't just do nothing and let it come to you- go and fight for it.

I fought and it was too late.

But things have passed, and I have learnt how to deal with grief. I'm glad we're in each other's lives again.

I promise I won't leave this time.

I love you!

I never said it, but I always had that feeling.

See you soon xx

— Jimin who has returned