Reviving December

Friends Don't

December

November 15th dawned dark and dreary with storm clouds looming and thunder rumbling in the distance. I sat stoically on the plush couch in Cade's home, Hoss in my lap, not really seeing the tv as some reality show played on. It had been like this for hours, sitting in the couch unseeingly listening to the sound of whatever show was playing in the background; My mind was too busy playing back the moments I had lived two years ago, body aching as if it had happened just yesterday. Hoss' wet nose pressed firmly into my palm, as if he could sense my pain. I soothed him the best I could, running my hands along his smooth coat in hopes that maybe his simple presence would help me too.

My phone chirped from its nearly permanent spot on the side table, pulling me back from my own mental prison. Hesitantly I retrieved the item, sliding my fingers over the smooth glass to reveal a group text from my sisters. I hadn't spoken to them in two days, a record for us now — my sisters tried to text at least once a day to keep connected. My heart twisted as I remembered the look on their faces two weeks past where I had finally joined their girl's night after Cade's prompting. I had missed them deeply, and I realized I had hurt them with my withdrawal from society. It had been a good night, full of laughter and catching up, one margarita for me and Tennessee, two for August but none of the others had participated; October was glowing with pregnancy, Arizona didn't touch alcohol any longer and Texas had simply passed up the offer.

Guess who came into the world today!  Caroline Rose, 6 lbs 7 ounces 21 inches long.

I couldn't fight the hot tears falling down my face, nor the loud cry of anguish sailing past my lips. My iPhone fell to the floor in a heap. Deep down I was happy for October, however, my own self pity was at an all time high today. My stomach rolled acidly. I sat like this, crying for an uncountable amount of time, allowing my own sorrows to seep out into the walls of Cade's gorgeous home unabashedly. Memories of the day I had lost my own little one haunting me. However it was simply sorrow I felt, I had let go of the anger long ago — because God hadn't taken my child, Eric's actions had. Along with my own. If I hadn't stayed, been so blinded by what I thought was love, I wouldn't have been in this position. Mourning my child, grieving the loss of a baby I had never even held — though their heartbeat was a steady sound buried deep in my memories. I cried for myself, my loss, and for healing. Dr. Taylors has warned that this would happen and she had been correct, not that I wanted to admit that to her. The tears seemed never ending, and with them the storm seemed to grow worse outside, the thunder shuddering the house around me. However I didn't feel any fear at this, somehow it was helpful. Like the earth felt my own pain and was helping ease it. Hoss was still under my palm, allowing me to lean into his soft fur as the tears finally began to cease and dry, leaving my face feeling heated and puffy. I was grateful for his presence, even though the pup had no idea what was going on.

My phone beeped with the incoming texts, all from my various sisters giving their own congratulations. I hastily sent my own, proud of my baby sister. She deserved that happiness and to hear the love we had for her, no matter my own inner demons. My phone screen locked softly after a few moments, allowing me to take my eyes off of the pinkend infant in my screen.

The sound of heavy boots on the hardwood caused both Hoss and into jerk, the pup dashed toward the front door gleefully and I couldn't fight the small smile on my face. Cade was finally home. I waited patiently for the man of the hour to appear, taking in his rain soaked appearance and rugged handsomeness altogether. But Lord, I was blessed. A man like him wanting my attentions was something to be thankful for.

"Hey, gorgeous." His tired voice carried through his home, warming my insides. Tired eyes stared at me, adoration shining through them. My own soft smile was his response. Despite my internal war, I didn't fight the urge to stand and greet him, walking readily into his arms and wrapping my own around him. He smelled like the musk of a man who'd worked hard, a deep earthy scent of rain and that indescribable cologne that was all Cade. His body tightened around mine and we stood there embracing, neither of us speaking. He didn't let on his surprise — this was the first time I had initiated any kind of intimacy between us. Dr. Taylors said that these moments would likely occur more in time, and I believed that. With each passing session, every day around him, I found it harder to contain my draw to him. It wasn't simply his looks, it was pieces of Cade that I had loved long ago coming back that urged me to show him my desire for him.