Heather's POV
I think of the now and how bad everything seems. I honestly don't know how I feel about it because I can't imagine it. Because of this, I don't know what I want or where I want to be in 5 or 10 years. Sometimes I can't imagine being in a relationship, let alone having a wife or husband. I can't imagine how I'll look if I managed to improve my body and I can only fixate on my lack of progress and how unattractive I feel. I can't imagine having a social life with friends that I actually like. I know the voice of despair lied to me, and I know my worries were unfounded, but sometimes the lies were hard to resist, and I felt these brief, soul crushing moments of despair.
I find myself watching myself almost literally like I am sitting next to myself, watching, I make decisions and interact, yet still be in full control. I feel empty, nothing around me is real and that this isn't reality. My perceptions become a blurred line and my dreams and realities are too closely related. I instantly started smoking and drinking alcohol thinking if my reality wasn't real, no pain could possibly be felt by my death. i'm incapable of keeping my thoughts to myself and I start having thoughts of having full control over the earth and thoughts about suicide.
I stay up all night ruminating about my future, answering my own questions and doubts, and thinking about the "someone" I want to be. I've possibly been looking for stars to see if there's any light in the world but they're all gone. I start thinking about the existence of God, further explaining my doubts since I've be struggling with faith for so long. I get distracted by my own thoughts to deal with my relationships properly and I also start to realize that i have nowhere left to go, as if I convinced myself that I don't have anyone else to turn to, due to the fact I am finding it hard to let go of the past. My dreams and nightmares are coming from my daydreams and my wishes and despairs. It's haunting me so much I'm basically like a sleepwalker, without an aim, a goal and without happiness.
I Think I'm Depressed
