TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND DEATH , SELF HATRED
(edited 1/17/19)
"I'm sorry, Mr. Joseph. There's just nothing more we can do, he lost too much blood. The wounds were too deep for us to fix. I think it's time you start...making arrangements."
A solemn tone coated the doctors voice, obvious guilt shining in his eyes as he took in Tyler disheveled form. Tears were in his eyes, a sob building in his throat as he felt Josh's hand getting colder, and colder, and colder. They were like ice. Hauntingly cold, not alive. Something was missing, and it didn't take Tyler long to realize it was his boyfriend's pulse, and his entire world shattered in that moment. Why couldn't he have found Josh sooner? Why did this have to happen to such a great person?
"Time of death, 2:14. Official ruling, suicide."
Tyler collapsed, sob shaking him violently. How was he supposed to deal with this, live life normally after his world was tilted off its axis? He was gone. Josh was gone. Gone, never coming back. Josh's eyes were lifeless, dull, his hands turning blue at the fingertips as they rolled him out of the room. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be real, it couldn't be re-
Tyler shot awake, breathing rapidly, real tears running down his cheeks, the nightmare haunting him. He felt Josh waking beside him, and dried his tears hurriedly. Even if he was breaking, fear overwhelming him in the aftermath of that terrible dream, Josh didn't have to know that.
"Ty, what's wrong?"
Josh's small voice rang out beside him, and he cursed the tears still flowing out of his eyes. He knew that the smaller boy wouldn't be able to handle seeing him like this, not when he was supposed to be the strong one.
"No-nothing, baby. Just a bad dream."
He spoke weakly, trying desperately to stop the salty drops cascading down his cheeks. It was a fruitless task, as they just kept coming, more welling up in his tired eyes every time the previous ones fell to the bedsheets.
Josh wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling into his chest and pushing himself into Tyler's lap. Tyler's arms instantly went around the small boy, holding onto him desperately, telling himself over and over again that Josh was alive. He was alive. He was still breathing and he was right in Tyler's arms and none of it was real.
"It's okay to cry. It's okay."
Tyler's sob sped up, becoming louder as he held onto the boy in his arms desperately. He could feel his warmth, there was no deathly cold like in the nightmare, do lifeless eyes. Just Josh. Living, breathing, Josh.
"I'm s-sorry, Josh. I'm t-trying to do my be-best for you, but it's n-n-not enou-enough."
He felt Josh start to cry to, and instantly felt guilt like no other. This was all his fault. It was always his fault.
"It is. It is enough. It's me doing bad, Ty, not you. Never you. Please don't. You're doing everything right."
Josh buried his head into the crook of his neck, and Tyler felt wetness spreading across the skin there. josh hiccuped every once in a while, small sniffles coming out of him as well as he cried.
"I'm s-sorry, Tyler."
They held each other as early morning light seeped slowly through the pale curtains in the room. It bathed the walls in a golden glow, shining on Josh's pale skin. Both parties in the room felt guilty for things that were out of their control, neither willing to blame the other.
"Don't apologize, babyboy. You're wonderful. You're amazing, you're beautiful. You're trying, lovely. Sometimes that's the most you can do."
Tyler's sobs had stopped about ten minutes earlier, while Josh's continued, but they slowed considerably. Tear tracked painted both of their faces, creating some sort of modern renaissance painting as they held each other.
Eventually, the tears stopped completely, and Tyler felt three taps on his arm, and sighed softly, holding the boy tighter. He felt so inadequate, not enough to take care of little Josh, but he knew he had to try despite that. Trying to ignore what had happened earlier, he spoke softly to the little.
"You want breakfast, babyboy?"
A soft nod.
"Mhm."
Tyler walked to the kitchen, carrying Josh.
"Whaddya think? Pancakes or waffles."
Josh lifted his head and thought for a moment, his eyes brightening.
"Waffles!"
Tyler walked to the next room over and sat him down on the couch, before heading back to cook. Eventually, he finished, and sighed as he set the table. It was 11:30 when they finished eating finally, and Tyler needed to head for work. Asking Pete to take care of Josh after the experience he had had last time seemed risky, but Tyler had to anyways, with everyone else being busy.
"Pete's coming over today, babyboy. He said he's bringing 'Trick too cause he doesn't have any classes today."
Josh nodded absentmindedly, watching the TV.
"Okay, daddy. Have a good day at work."
Tyler leaned down and kissed the smaller boy gently, before he heard a knock at the door. He opened it, and smiled at who he saw there.
"Hey, Pete."
Pete smiled from he hall.
"Hey Ty. Josh in the living room?"
Tyler nodded, letting the two boys in.
"Hi, 'Trick."
"Hey, Ty. Can I go play with Joshie, daddy?"
"Of course, have fun."
Patrick ran into the living room, and Tyler smiled as he heard Josh squeal in delight.
"See ya later, Pete. Call me if anything goes wrong."
Pete nodded, hugging Tyler quickly.
"Will do, my dude. Don't overwork yourself today. If you do i will punch you directly in the face, and then have Josh do it too."
They both laughed.
"We both know he wouldn't. Anyways, I'll try not to. Bye, Peter."
Pete rolled his eyes.
"Bye, Mr. Joseph."
Tyler left, mentally preparing himself for the day ahead.
A/N: hey dudes, sorry for the wait. i spent a bit in a hospital, but im back now and not dead, so expect more soon. please check out my other book 'this is home' if you have time, im writing a new chapter for it right now, and things are about to get even more dramatic. stay safe my dudes. (also trench is a whole bop and i cried five thousand times)
double a/n, after editing: im not really happy with this chapter quite yet, so im gonna edit it more in the future. triple a/n: i think i like it now
