Better Than This

22

I've been glancing at my computer as I put away my art supplies. It's almost eight, which means I only have a few minutes left. I feel so silly. This whole thing feels silly. Stopping ten minutes ago because it takes that long to clean everything up the way I want to. Brushes individually washed and dried and stored in a self-painted mason jar. Easel returned to the corner of the room, the canvas carefully positioned on the ledge. I normally paint for much longer, so it feels strange wrapping up so early.

All because I agreed to talk to a boy online.

I'm doing a final scan for any paint drippings when I glance at the computer, surprised to find a message. Two messages.

Wolfboy16: hey

Wolfboy16: not eating into your painting time am I?

My heart drums, my feet unable to get me to the computer fast enough. Sinking into my chair, I read his second line with a grin. My bottom lip finds its way between my teeth and I end up rolling it back and forth.

Paintress87: just put the brushes away

My hands hover over the keyboard, my thumb resting on the space bar. We finally have a moment to chat without friends or teachers interrupting. But what to talk about?

Wolfboy16: what r u doing?

Paintress87: nothing

Paintress87: cleared my whole schedule for you

Wolfboy16: ditto

I think about asking why, but I can't force myself to type the word. It would open the door to that conversation, and I'm not sure we're ready to have it yet. I'm not sure we're ever going to have it.

Paintress87: you ok not practicing?

Wolfboy16: I've got all day tomorrow to do that

Paintress87: tomorrow's Friday

Wolfboy16: someone gets a gold star

I roll my eyes, fighting off a smile.

Wolfboy16: let's hope AJ gets his intelligence from me

Wolfboy16: and my hot guitarist good looks

He had to bring it up. I've gone over the moment a hundred times, torturing myself with the humiliation, wishing I'd said something different. Wishing I'd omitted that one word. Obviously, Alex hasn't forgotten my little slip from Monday either.

Wolfboy16: so what are YOU contributing?

Paintress87: how about my body to deliver her

Wolfboy16: fair enough

Too eager to respond, I lean back, reminding myself I can't have him. Reminding myself that this is all just fun. Everything we're doing is because we're friends. Just friends. So, in the spirit of the word, I decide to take us there.

Paintress87: unless we do one of those surrogate mother things

Paintress87: that way I can avoid the stretchmarks

Paintress87: and take up bad habits like smoking and drinking

The three lines hang, open-ended and vulnerable. Waiting for a response. Chewing my bottom lip, I read each statement again, wondering if I went too far, wondering if he thinks I'm serious. He can't think I'm serious.

Wolfboy16: yeah we can get you addicted to cocaine

I let out a breath.

Paintress87: and heroine