Better Than This

29

"What happened?"

It's out of her mouth the moment she closes her door. I knew she'd ask, but I'm still processing everything myself, still trying to understand how Alex and I ended up going so far when we both knew we shouldn't, when we both knew he wasn't available.

I throw my face into my hands, crying into them.

"Oh my God, Autumn—what happened?"

I shake my head.

"Something obviously happened." She starts the car, not willing to drop it. And she won't. She'll keep asking until I give her something because I owe her that much. She was having a great time with Corey, and she left to be with me, to make sure I was okay. She deserves to know.

But I don't want to think about what happened, about the way that couple looked at me, like I was the biggest whore on the planet, and just because I was with Alex, something that feels right. I don't want to think about what they're spreading around, and I really don't want to think about that gut-wrenching look in his eye when I told him we shouldn't have done what we did. Because that's all I want to do, and having him think otherwise kills me.

"You..."

"We were...God, we were on the bed—"

"What were you doing?" Savvy drives us onto the main road. She keeps her voice even and calm, but I can tell she's holding back.

"We were..." I let out a breath and roll my eyes, "...making out. And it was fine—"

"Clothes on or off?"

"Savvy."

"What?" She shrugs innocently. "I need to know. So I understand the whole situation."

I exhale. She's digging for details, but they're bound to come out eventually. "On. Mostly. I took off my jacket, and he took off his hoodie."

"Were you going to have sex with him?"

"No—I—I don't know." I shake my head, the tears returning. "Because this couple walked in and they looked at me like—like I was some slut. They knew I wasn't Jessa. It was like I was some random girl he was cheating on her with and the way they looked at me—"

"Oh, who cares what they think?"

"Me! I care!" I shout. "I don't want anyone thinking what Alex and I have is cheap or wrong because it isn't." I sniffle, staring out the window, trying to gather myself up. A quiet moment passes before I admit the real thing that's causing all the pain. "I can't believe he hasn't broken up with her. He kissed me..." water fills my eyes, overflowing down my cheeks, "...and touched me, and he couldn't bother to end it with her?"

"So what happened?"

"I told him we shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have made out. Then I practically ran out of the room because I heard her calling for him. She was all 'ALEX. Where's ALEX?' and I just couldn't be in there anymore."

Savvy frowns as she listens.

"The thing is, I am mad at him. Like, I'm mad at myself too but..." I replay what happened, how far we let it go and the look in that couple's eye. "I feel like it's all tainted."

"He's probably breaking up with her now."

"Is he?" I hold up a phone with no missed calls or messages. I was sort of hoping I'd find one and prove myself wrong, but I don't. I shake my head, saddened by the realization. "Maybe he doesn't know what he wants."

"Bullshit. He wants you."

"If he wants me, there wouldn't be a Jessa."

"Just...give him some time."

I shrug, looking out the window. "If he wants me, he knows what he has to do."

"You told him?"

"If he can't figure out that he needs to break up with his girlfriend, then this isn't a love story. It's high-school drama with a shitty ending."

"Oh, sweetie. This is far from the ending."