During November

Chapter 9 - Jordan

Chapter 9: Wake Up

My footsteps echo eerily against the concrete, the tin roof popping under the heat of the sun. The school grounds are silent as I make my way down the path.

I try to calm my breaths, counting my steps.

One... two... three... breathe.

One... two... three... breathe.

But my mind is spinning. I can hardly see two metres in from of me before everything blurs together.

He was there. He was right there. Close enough to breathe in. With cheekbones that were too sharp, cheeks too hollow, arms too thin. Skin that was almost translucent, a too-loose uniform. He looked so fragile. Like already cracked porcelain.

And then there were his eyes. That piercing, furious emerald green that never fails to leave me breathless. And oh god how seeing him drew all of the air from my lungs, leaving me suffocating in his presence.

When those emerald orbs had met mine, a war had waged itself in my head. A battle insured in my mind. My thoughts clashing together as one.

One.. two... three... breathe.

I don't know if I want to cry or scream myself into oblivion.

One... two... three... breathe.

I can barely stand upright, my breaths leaving the air trembling in its wake.

One... two... three... breathe.

His eyes had flickered with recognition as they grabbed mine and just as quickly turned to impenetrable stone.

I'd stood there like the pathetic person I am, my throat constricting as I begged him to look at me the way he used to, no matter how platonic it had been. Anything but the icy stare I had received from him.

He had walked right past me, his face hard. That warmth he once possessed now frozen and cold. I know that his new demeanour isn't entirely my fault but how do I convince myself of that when I blame myself with such conviction.

I hate that feeling. Helplessness. It's like standing in front of an oncoming train, completely paralysed. Not accepting that you are about to die, but accepting that you are already dead.

One... two... three... breathe.

It's as though I'm constantly trying to wake myself up from a nightmare. As though I am trapped in my own mind, suffocating in an eternal sleep. As though I'm scratching at the surface of a frozen-over lake, trapped beneath the ice while the silhouettes of people I once loved dance across the surface.

I am suffocating and there is no one coming to save me.

It's a constant overwhelming feeling that lingers at the edges of my mind, at the tips of my fingers and the corners of my vision. My blood feels too thick through my veins, my heart beating too slow, breaths too shallow.

One... two... three... breathe.

I can't. The air around me is stale and heavy, my lungs too constricting, my head full of static and white noise. The world around me is a blur of colours, little more than an afterthought in my mind. I try to inhale but no oxygen is entering my body. My body which is overrun with hatred for myself. No room left inside of me to allow the air that I so desperately crave.

I messed up. So bad. I should never have tried to kiss him. I should never have pretended that he would want someone like me. Despite the flames that still licked at my lips where they had touched his, my body was cold and numb. I hate myself for letting him do this to me. For allowing him to drain the life out of me and leave nothing but a human carcase.

The world snaps back into focus; the piercing sound of the school bell ringing out across the grounds; classroom doors opening and slamming shut.

I swallow back the emotions threatening to spill over my cheeks as oxygen spills into my lungs. I stumble over my feet as I try to walk through the onslaught of people. My ears ring with thoughts, my throat still tight and my lips still trembling ever-so-slightly.

"Jordan?" a voice breaks through my barrier and I swivel around to find myself staring down at a dark haired girl looking back up at me with a concerned expression. "Are you okay? You weren't in class."

"I-" I choke on my words as her hazel eyes stare up at me. "I'm going to be late for second period. I'll see you around Kat," the words tumble out of me in a rushed messed as I turn around and start walking leaving the dark-haired girl behind me with a frown.

I wasn't okay. I haven't been for a long time, but how do I tell someone that when I've put up a strong front for so long?

I am tired of playing the victim of no regrets. I regret so many things. I regret fucking up my life and pushing away the people who actually give a shit. I regret allowing myself to fall in love with someone who doesn't deserve such a thing. I regret not living the life I want to live because of some stupid high-school crush that went wrong in too many ways.

I shove my way through the crowd. Everywhere I look I see people I used to know. I see people who I called my friends. People who I pushed away in an attempt to follow my heart's desires. All that left me with is a broken heart and no shoulder to cry on.

I want my life back. I want my friends and the blanket of security and comfort I used to have. I want a redo for all of the times I fucked up.

And knowing that I won't get that back is the worst kind of heartbreak.

I'm not entirely sure if I can't breathe or I just don't want to.

---

Hey! Sorry I've been a shitty author, I haven't really known what to write about lately. On a positive note, it's my girlfriend and my two months soon, so that's exciting!

-Emz