During November

Chapter 5 - Blair

Chapter 5: Breathe in Shame

Emptiness is a difficult emotion to explain. Although, it isn't an emotion at all rather than a lack there of. You don't start out feeling empty. In the beginning emotions paint you in an array of colours.

Emptiness is like walking into a room of darkness that engulfs you, clutches onto to you with all it's willpower, pushing out even the smallest tendril of light.

Emptiness is like screaming into a void but not knowing what you're screaming. Like wanting to know what you're screaming. Like waiting for the echo to tell you. An echo that never comes.

It is like asking if the glass is half empty or half full after you've drunk it.

Emptiness is slowly losing your mind looking into the now empty glass, looking for an echo of stolen screams while the darkness blinds you from seeing the glass at all.

Emptiness is what I feel as I lay under a blanket of constellations, my breath coming out in cloudy puffs above me. My numb fingers seek warmth underneath my armpits, the cold air biting at my cheeks, seeping into my bones through the thin layer of clothes I wear. I shiver.

"Blair?" a small voice breaks through the bitter air. I roll onto my side, my brown eyes connecting with wide green ones.

I smile. "Hey. What are you doing awake?" I whisper, words dissolving in front of me in a white haze.

The boy in front of me doesn't respond, but the salty tears that drip down his cheeks speak for him. I shuffle closer to him, wiping the water off his face.

"Bad dream again?" I whisper, eyebrows furrowing. A sob breaks through the cool air and I draw the small boy toward me. "You're safe here, okay? You're safe. They aren't going to find us. And if they do, we'll be ready this time. Okay?" His small frame trembles in my arms. I lean away from him slightly, seeking out those green eyes. "Enzo, I'm not going to leave you. If they come, it's not going to be for a long time. But if they do come, I will protect you. No matter what, I will make sure nothing happens to you again. Do you understand me? Nothing is going to happen to you." The lies fall from my lips easily. I know that if they come, we will fall. One by one. We will fall.

His eyes meet mine. He nods. Only slightly, but he nods none the less.

"Good. You want me to sleep with you tonight?" Again, he nods. I slide my arms around him, pulling his small figure into me. "Get some sleep, Enzo."

The cold settles into my bones once more. This time it isn't from the wind.

The memories swirl around me like a bitter wind, an ugly reminder of what happened to everyone that night.

I raise my head to look over Enzo, seeking out the other dark sleeping figures scattered around.

Seven of us left. That's all. We had thirteen and now we have seven.

It was my fault. It doesn't matter how many times they try to reassure me that there was nothing I could do, I know that they don't really believe that. I was angry and upset, I wasn't thinking straight, and I led them all into danger because I was selfish and ignorant.

I close my eyes, hoping to find comfort in the darkness behind my eyelids. All I find are memories.

Axe. Fire. Screaming. Pain. Darkness.