Senses

Chapter 46

By the time Severus had gathered his courage to re-enter his rooms, he would come in to find Hermione sitting in the window that overlooked the grounds. His brow and jaw were tense as he let the door close a bit heavier behind him than normal, hoping to announce his presence. It didn't so much as garner a turn of her head and thus he moved cautiously closer.

A slow breath left his nose when he came to see her clearly, her head lightly pressed into the cool pane, her eyes closed, arms wrapped around herself no doubt to try and keep off the winter chill that was coming through the glass. It seemed as though the time he had spent pacing his office had given her time to fall into an obviously exhausted rest.

With all the intents of putting her back to bed his hands slipped behind her shoulders, though just as he'd made it halfway, she jumped awake like a rabbit in chase with a fox, "It's just me."

Hermione's eyes were wide but unseeing for a few seconds, her hand that had been ready to grapple falling heavily onto the arm that had taken her back, "Sorry...I was...just thinking..."

Severus carefully pulled his limbs back to his person, taking a seat on the ledge beside her. It wasn't a wide fit but it was comfortable enough, "About?"

"Many things..." Hermione nodded and shifted just a bit to make more room for him, her hands coming around her shins to play with the seam of the dressing gown.

"Such as?"

"Why did you save me?" Hermione leveled her eyes with his, though he'd had his head bowed her question raised it, "There were others...I know...Why me?"

Severus' lips pursed tightly for a long moment, weighing the heaviness of her question. A question he had asked himself repeatedly in the first weeks. A question he had pushed away in time, now coming to the surface to haunt him, "You...you were the only one left...alive..." Honesty was said to be the best policy, even though it wasn't the fairytale answer she was possibly hoping for, it was the only one he could in good conscience give her.

"The others?"

"I buried them..." Severus' breath expanded his chest and his head turned away, "I didn't even know it was you...not at first..."

"Why...why did you keep me?"

"The Dark Lord had found out that you had been taken by the rogue snatchers..." He was sure they'd had this conversation already, yet for some reason, it felt all new, all over again.

"Wormtail...Peter Pettigrew..."

"The man with the metal hand." Severus' jaw twitched with the memory of that man defiling her in his own house, "I led the man to his death...I convinced the Dark Lord that...you were dead...this you know..." Severus glanced at her through the corner of his eyes, "Why do you ask me again?"

"I just wondered...if I ever really had a choice in all of this..." Hermione ran her hands down over her shins, "A choice...the choice we're always meant to have..."

Severus could feel his heart being slowly twisted in a vice, as though she was telling him goodbye. Blaming him for all he'd done to save her life. That every good he'd done for her had in the end, pushed her away from him, "You are not a prisoner here. You are free to leave at any time." Severus made to stand but a strong hand on his arm stopped him from completely coming to his feet.

"I never claimed to be a prisoner," Her hold on him didn't waver, "I just...I don't want to do this alone...I thought I could handle it...but...I..." Hermione slowly released his shirt-sleeve letting him come fully to loom over her, "I can't."

The admission of inability was something Severus knew had rarely passed the woman's lips. He could tell by the tightness in her throat when she spoke as if those words had never previously been included in her vocabulary. His brow furrowed deeply as he tried to understand just what she was asking of him. Had he not given her everything he possibly could?