If I could start again

Before everything (part 0.5)

The words spun in my head, "You're ugly. You're fat. You're not smart or pretty! Why live? Why are you alive? Why are you here?" Why was I here? No one liked me. No one trusted me and I didn't trust them. My family wasn't happy with me and I wasn't happy with them. But I was not stupid. I was not going to kill myself.
No...I was going to hurt until I felt something.
I decided to cut myself.
It didn't hurt. I was numb but I was fine.
Why did I hurt inside and not out? Why didn't I feel anything? I dug the knife in harder but slower.
Nothing!
I began to feel a warm liquid oozing down my arm. I knew it was blood but I didn't want to remove it. Maybe if it stayed long enough I would feel, feel something. I needed to feel.
I thought for what felt like a millennia, "When did all this start? Why am I doing this? Why am I desecrating this sacred vessel that is my body?"
I knew the answer straight away. It was when She left us. When She left me with Him!

                                                              * 6 years ago *

My mother died when I was 11 but still passed decent information. It was a hard week when she died. My father had a harder week. That week we both separated ourselves from each other. But one night he came in my room smelling horrible. I couldn't pinpoint the smell but it was foul. I pretended to sleep but when he came close I couldn't any more.
"Dad what's wrong?" I asked, trying not to let my fear show in my voice.
He replied with a slur of words. That's when it hit me. He was drunk.
"Dad, why don't you go to bed? It's late and I'm tired? Do you need something from me?"
. His look scared me. It was glaring into my soul. I had never felt so naked and violated. He said one word. When he said that word it echoed in my room. That's when I noticed the rope in his hand. I tried to scream but he was too quick. That's when I got the meaning of that one word. It stayed in my head and echoed. You. He pinned me down so I couldn't move. I was hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe and I didn't want to. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to replace myself with mum. I closed my eyes like I was a little kid and wanted the big bad monster to go away. Something rough went around my wrist but it was just the monster. It went around my ankle but it was just the monster. It was the monster and monsters aren't real. Right? I felt a weight on my stomach. It wiggled and moved to adjust something. At that same moment my wrists tighten. The weight shifted again and my ankles tightened. I slowly opened my eyes. There weren't any monsters. It was scarier. It was a demon I thought I would never see. My father had tied my ankles and wrists. He still had a rope in his hands. I slowly looked up to meet his eyes. They pierced the world around me and I wanted to look away but I was frozen. Then I saw he was truly the devil himself because of his smile. It could've made any baby cry. It froze my blood and my head felt heavy with ice. I closed my eyes again. A pain hit my stomach and I was winded. It came again and again and again. It was so painful and it was horrible. I knew by the roughness and the extreme pain that it was my father and his rope. It went for hours and hours of abuse. I couldn't breathe by the end. I couldn't move by the end. I hoped I was dying as my eyes started to close.