Sky Lights

Dear Emma,

Dear Emma,

You make me want to scream.

Scream and cry and smile and laugh and hundreds of more verbs that couldn't even begin to describe how I feel about you.

I don't get shy around many people, much less my friends, but I become an awkward mess around you. My heart begins beating so fast and I feel like I'll explode and I can't even look you in the eye without melting. Simple questions are a pain to answer, like when you asked what teachers I had this year and I responded with "teachers" before quickly retreating.

Who responds with teachers? You turn my brain into mush but yet I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's such a cliche that I'm writing you a love letter, but I know you wouldn't feel the same way. But isn't that how it always works in real life? Either you like someone but they don't feel the same or viceversa. Isn't that how it always is? My heart only broke a little bit every time whenever you laughed at even the possibility of us being together and how you clearly emphasized how you would never go on a date with me.

I would try to not stare at your beautiful long hair or how your glasses accentuate your face shape or how great you look in shorts or how you always make stupid lesbian jokes. You claim to have a great gaydar but always fail to notice the girl next to you who really likes you.

Oops, I forgot, I'm supposedly the straightest girl you know.

Yeah right.

But that's besides the point. My point is that even though this letter will never reach your hands, and you will never read these words, I wanted to say that I liked you. I like your smile and I like how you play stupid racing games on your phone and I love how dedicated to school you are, even if your endless studying annoys me. I like you so much that you somehow seem to be affecting my grammar.

If you think about it, I'm in a pretty fucked up situation. The straight-not-so-straight girl likes her openly lesbian friend but is too afraid to come out and tell her how she feels. So she always has to hear about your new crushes and how you think that girl in your English class is gorgeous or how you went on a date with latin girl.

Even if it hurt, I still put on a smile and gave you advice. Because that's what friends do.

I guess love is trying to put aside your own wants and selfishness and make the other person happy. I don't know if I love you, but sometimes I like to think that I do. It makes things a little easier.

I want you to be the happiest person in the world, and get everything you desire. Even if it means I'm not in it.

Love (?),

Nicole