the beam // LazarBeam imagines

with the ghost of you // Lannan

      When you hear the rustling in the hallway, you know he's nearly reached the door. Yet, you push your head further into the pillow, hoping he'll think your asleep. You hear things drop by the door as you brace yourself for the moment he walks through the door. Without lifting your head, you can imagine the way he opens the door, places down the rest of his things, and wanders to the closet. You can practically see him change into sweatpants, leaving his shirt off, crawling into the bed next to you. Now, you can feel his skin against your back, his arms wrap around your waist, as he places a soft kiss in your head. 

     You lay there, absorbing each moment he grants you. Why was he doing this? He was loving you through every moment he had left to spare, you knew he was moving to Sydney, but he wasn't aware you had found out. He wanted you there tonight, when he got back from America, but why. So you continue to lay as if you were asleep, letting a tear slip from your eye knowing there was no way the past four months together had meant nothing to him. Somehow, it was hard for you to hold more tears back, they were coming out all at one time and it became very hard for you to keep your body stable. You just wanted to hold your face into his chest, but instead you tried to move further from him to lessen the feeling.

      You can feel him cock his head up, you hold your breathe for a quick moment, hoping he would just lay back down. "Darling, are you crying?" Lannan speaks so softly, not sure what was happening. You stay silent, but can't help but gasp for air in the moment. He takes the arm wrapped around you to turn you towards him, he looks you in the eyes, with second hand pain, as guilt washes over his face. "(y/n), whats going on?" as he lets those words slip, he knows it was his fault, but didn't know how to confront his own mistakes in the moment. 

     You stare at him for a moment, unsure of how to say what you were thinking, "Lannan, you're leaving me here and you couldn't even tell me.." you could hear your voice croak mid sentence, as it became nearly impossible for you to not cry. His head fell low and his eyes were searching for somewhere to disallow the guilt to take him.

     "Baby, I had these plans before we even met, I knew I was moving there before we started dating. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to catch you like this. I don't want to lose you, and that's why I couldn't bring myself to tell you. Just please, give me these last few weeks."

      You look at him with sorrow in your eyes, "I'll give you tonight" you let yourself whisper, knowing you couldn't take a month longer of falling in love just to lose.

      You can tell he's confused, and hurt, but he knows he's done this to himself. His lips softly approach your forehead, and kisses it sweetly one more time. You knew this would hurt, but you grabbed onto the back of his head and brought him in for a kiss.

      The night entailed love, dancing with Lannan in the living room, beating him in several video games, wrestling with him and falling asleep once more by his side. 

      You looked back at the love of your life, the right love, not the right time. You let the door close behind you as tears seeped through your eyes, forever holding on to the feeling you allowed. 

     Knowing in the morning, he'll be able to dance with the ghost of you.