I have a soul

Four

Before

Ghost
I woke in the dusty bed, feeling warmth for the first time in weeks, savoring the moment enough to realize how long it had been since I had slept completely through the night. God, was this a dream? Sure felt like it.
Better yet was the freedom I felt knowing dad and mom had no idea where I was and if I kept walking into the national forest... they'd never find me.
   I sighed, smiling as I rolled out of bed and strapped my stuff back down to the pack.
    The boys' doors were closed as I crept down the hall quietly hoping to avoid waking them but froze seeing the window.
The wind swirled the snow violently, without any mercy, and the silent cuss word I let fly made John snort behind me.
"It's a nasty blizzard, you won't make it far out there, I know we didn't get off to the greatest start Ms. Richards but... but I'd like you to know that you are more than welcome to stay. We could use the help anyways now that Tom's hurt."
Tom's blood had been wiped completely clean from the kitchen but the use of my real name chilled me as though it was smeared across the walls.
The highway... god they're never going to stop, are they? But where else could I go, he didn't want his son noticed by the Silents and that meant avoiding them at all costs.
   I looked back fuming a bit, "I don't like it, but I don't have much of a choice, the cold would kill me before my folks did."
He cleared his throat, "I don't get that... why do they hunt you like this? How did they both come to power, to begin with?"
I snorted, "Lord I wish I knew. I only lived with them a few years when they were married and then my brothers and I were split into different homes... I don't know the first thing about them."
I glanced down the hall in case Tom had risen but it was still quiet as a church.
"I put him on some Benedryl to sleep, he's conked out still if you're worried about that."
"You just made it clear you don't want him knowing who I am."
"I'm not even sure I know who you are young lady, people say you're a heartless witch and I'm not seeing it."
I snorted, "I left my broom behind weeks ago, it took me a long time to realize they brainwashed me. All I knew was I had to run."
Respect flashed behind his eyes, "good... there's hope for you after all. I'll try to shake Tom and have him show you the chores you'll help with."
It took a while but Tom joined us at the breakfast table, drinking black coffee in heavy gulps. I couldn't with my nerves I'd end up tapping my foot through their floorboards. So boiled water was for me and it worked just the same.
"So I'm taking her ice fishing?" Tom asked his dad, who nodded. "Show her the ropes so you don't have to go out several times a day. I want you in bed most of the time your legs healing."
Tom snorted as if that was a long shot on his dad's part.
Breakfast was fish and bread, both being the first warm meal I've had in weeks. Neither of them could believe how quickly I finished my plate but knew since black summer food had its moments for disappearing.
  "So what are we supposed to call you anyways..." Tom asked and I shrugged, "I guess you could say... names are bad thing to have only one of now a days."
John's eyes didn't leave the side of his son's head, fingers white with panic. He knew full well my original name was stripped when I was enlisted. To the governments I had no other name than what the council of names picked. No one picks their names anymore there.
"But how did you know who those people were?" Tom asked.
I swallowed, "no more questions, another thing you learn is you're better off staying quiet. People today... they shoot and ask questions later."
It stopped the conversation and John seemed pleased.
Tom and I did the dishes while John set off to cut firewood and he couldn't resist asking more. "Why are you all alone anyways?"
I promptly tripped on a root, face planting into the dirt for that one, damn him...
"Are you ok? Look, I'll keep my mouth shut, I'm just curious," he laughed, struggling to hold back the chuckles at my face-full of snow. I threw off his hand up, either extremely embarrassed or fuming with rage. I wasn't quite sure which yet.
The ice was cold, wind whipping through my coat and snow making it hard to see. Tom explained the rope on the ice was our way back and to not let go.
I couldn't believe how long he could endure the cold that made my legs numb and shaking all the way back.
"You're not dressed warm enough, haven't you ever camped in the winter? Surely you survived somehow last winter," Tom said, boiling some more snow and oddly enough putting pine needles in it.
"Adds some flavor we can get to easy enough. Can't have coffee all day unfortunately..."
I snorted at the horrendous idea, they'd need to gag me before that happened.
My fingers were red and shaking when he handed me the mug and snorted at my tremors. "Go change, we're done outside today, I'll clean and can the fish, you better just watch today."
Who cans fish? God it sounds seriously gag worthy.
"If you want to go hungry, that's fine too... you sure are spoiled for a survivor."
"You're a damn fool," I grumbled, slamming the metal mug on the counter beside him.
"What's going on?" John exclaimed, his body was covered in little flecks of wood and his face was red with rage.
"Go rest your leg Tom, I'll do the work for now."
I couldn't believe he listened, how could he so easily take orders from his dad?
"Outside," John fumed and I understood then. He had a very strong ability to make it sound like his authority was the only one. For Tom that was probably true and now probably for me too.  I stepped outside trembling with fear, I didn't want to go into the forest... didn't want to die in the snow.
"What was that about?!" He asked, volume hushed and cruel. I was back under Roger's scrutiny all over again. I was a kid again and a part of me couldn't deny how right that felt, knees growing weak. "Why can't I go back?! What's wrong with me?!" The ground was suddenly so very far away and I couldn't help but buckle into the snow. John sighed and dragged me onto the porch, covering me with a blanket. "I can't answer that... it doesn't make much sense kid but you're the only one who can sort your own hell out."
I clutched my head, sobbing, "they broke me... they,"
"They only break you if you keep saying that, so take a deep breath and count backwards from ten a few times."
I closed my eyes, sucking down harsh breaths until they evened. "Now, what happened in the kitchen today?"
"He called me spoiled, it's been a while since I've been on the limited meal situation. I was spoiled in the city, we all are and it comes with the ugliest prices. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just don't kick me out."
He sat on the swing beside me, looking at the falling snow like I was, my tears probably frozen to my cheeks. "I'm not going to kick you out, but I need you to understand something kid.... Humanity is cruel and heartless in it's own way but holding onto the past is uglier. I'm going to treat you like a child because you are one, a kid tricked and truly brainwashed like you once said. If you let me help you, I will..."
I looked away, "I should be too young to have the hate I do for people... the raw murderous rage that is meant for adults your age, but these people made it a children's war. I still see it, everything I did and didn't do. They would've recruited your son too I bet, toy with him just to save his life. That's how they got me... tossed us into a semi trailer, water only coming in through holes in the roof..."
"Enough," he grumbled and I flinched back to reality.
"It's done kid, you're out and tomorrow is a new day, take it and don't look back."
My lips pursed but it was the honesty that counted, he knew not to sugar coat things. I wouldn't take it, I'd rather walk into the snow than listen to the bull most would offer at this point.
"I'm sorry for yelling at your son like that..."
He sighed, "I know, I'm sorry for snapping the way I did too... go on and clean up. Another thing with us is meals are group event. We don't eat separate, it's how we plan the next day and chores. We play cards too and bet the work too so I hope you know your way around blackjack."
I shrugged worried that they would soon realize how horrible I really was at cards.

Dinner was stewed fish and cornbread, more of that strange pine needle tea too. I'd have to request just the hot water before they got the needles tossed in the pot.
"So I've got a name for you?" Tom began, grinning ear to ear. Oh lord, this ought to be good.
"Call me what you like," I whispered, picking at my bread absent minded.
"Well all I think of is your fall in the yard today, I'm thinking Trip, what do you think dad?"
Both boys were laughing so hard that my cheeks flushed. This was going to get old quick.