October 12
dear diary journal,
10:00 am
hi. i was told to journal and i said no, but here i am. i want friends. real friends. i mean really, i have them. rachel, everyone online. but i barely see rachel and everyone online is, well, online. but i see people in class laughing and telling jokes, and the jokes are genuinely funny. i want to laugh at those jokes, but when i do it feels so disconnected from them. i shouldn't be laughing, they don't like me.
edit: forget the part where i said i barely see rachel. i see her a lot.
this journal will consist of mostly short sentences. i don't feel like a shy person, i feel like the person who would tell someone to fuck off when they pissed me off, or to completely display my personality on the daily. the first part is true, but i just don't... speak. they're talking right now and it feels so lonely and i want to be friends with them. even the ones who don't like me, they're all talking about hanging out and they're laughing and i want that. but i'm me, so that's not going to happen anytime soon.
i'm really lonely. i don't feel depressed, just lonely. i have a reason to be lonely. the only social interaction i get are with my parents, rachel once in a while and about two classmates. they keep joking about roblox and fortnite and how they're all going to play later and the jokes are funny and i want to be there and laugh and be friends with them. but they don't care about me. i'm most likely just the one mediocre looking girl who was annoying and came out to everyone 4 years ago and asked them all out like a fucking creep, and now sits in class silently paying absolutely no attention. no, i am not as attractive as most people at my school. which is the genuine truth.
maybe if i looked differently and was more outgoing and lost some weight i would hang out with them. they're all on their phones talking across the room and laughing and playing the game on their phones and i want it so much. i want that so goddamn much. the group consists of someone i called a bitch a year ago, a couple of decent people, and the girl who's friends with bianca and called me an ugly goblin, and an anorexic on dm. i'm not, if anyone is reading this (which, by the way, if you are, leave. go. please). why do i want to be friends with her so much if she's such a bitch?
i used to be friends with her and it was great. she was fun to hang out with. but this isn't going to happen because she hates me and i feel lonely again. that's all i feel. this is really depressing and cringe worthy and if anyone saw this i would consider choking myself. never mind, that's a bit dramatic. it's hard to breathe. this sounds like a book, but no, it's getting genuinely hard to breathe and now they're talking about thanos which means they might like marvel and i want to be friends with them so bad. and i've said this so many times and its so pathetic.
i keep telling myself to grow a spine, which is what i've been trying to do. i'm going to start eating healthy and working out and shoving really gross protein bars down my throat. and eating salad, even though i don't really like it. and then maybe i'll get 'slim' and save up for some decent make up and fix my hair and buy a few more clothes. but part of me know that won't make a difference besides the fact that i might be more confident. it doesn't change the fact that they wouldn't want to be friends with me.
i think i'm ready to move on, and talk about my life. it's fall which is amazing, walmart has been stocked with halloween decorations and i want to decorate my room at my dads. i still haven't seen scream, i'm going to watch it tonight. i really want to incorporate humor into this journal, but only because it feels like someone is reading this. which they're not, so i'm not in the mood to ha-ha! i'm working on an edit, it's a sad edit. a velocity practice. maybe i should label it as a vent, but i really don't have the confidence to put that in my caption and leave the comments on. they'll consist of "i'm so sorry bb, if you ever need to talk just dm me ❤️" or "ily, stay strong ❤️". these will be written mostly by people i don't know that well, and i'll like the comment. if i'm feeling feisty i might reply "ily".
