An Unusual Desire (Discontinued)

#HappyJiminDay!

Happy birthday to our beautiful amazing Park Jimin!

I love Jimin with all my heart...he may not be my bias but he has helped me emotionally when he talked about his hardships. Although I hated hearing that he practically starved himself, it helped me.

~A warning: This is long, personal, and I cried while typing it.

To be honest, I struggled a lot with my confidence the year I discovered BTS. I love music with all my heart, but even though all of my bandmates and friends told me I was amazing at playing the flute and singing, I just didn't believe them.
My parents, especially my dad, got angry often and insulted both my sister and me. When I was little, my sister was always seemed to be crying but would push me away when I tried to ask her why. She always said she was going to go as far as possible for college. I didn't understand why until I turned 10 because in my eyes our parents were amazing.

As I got older and into more things they started to disagree with me on a lot of topics, especially things like what I wanted to do with my life. Our family started to argue more. My sister and I often sided on one thing while my parents disagreed very much, and would try to force us to agree. When my dad got to his breaking point he would start to insult things about us. The things he said to me were insulting my physical appearance, interests like music, etc. My sister had it worse since she was already in high school, she wanted to pursue law, but my dad wanted an engineer.

I usually went to youtube to cheer myself up after these arguments, since my sister didn't ever want to talk to me. I saw one of the YouTubers I watched had made a reaction video to Kpop. From there, I got into BTS and their music and videos really helped keep my spirits up.

A few months later I tried to wake my sister up since she was going to be late to school, but she had fainted the second she woke up. I hadn't realized, I simply thought she was asleep. My dad came upstairs and told me to go get ready. When I got out of the bathroom I saw them talking, my sister was crying. I walked into the room and saw my dad holding my sister's wrist while scolding her about something that I didn't register. I just saw that she had cuts on her wrist.

Immediately, I started crying, because what's scarier than finding out your older sister had been harming herself? My dad just pushed me out of the room and locked the door, so I had no choice but to go to school. I only had one friend who rode the bus with me, but to tell the truth, she wasn't really good with comforting people. I didn't want to tell anyone else, so I just did my best to keep myself together and went on with my day.

I'm usually a very cheerful and talkative person so almost everyone noticed I wasn't in good spirits. I waved off everyone who asked me what was wrong though.

When I got home, I found that my sister never went to school that day. I felt like crying almost instantly after seeing her. Of course, she didn't talk to me.

I remember specifically that I walked upstairs, left my bookbag in my chair, put in my earbuds, and started playing BTS. For the rest of the week, that became my routine. I kept to myself, which was odd, but I still kept myself in better spirits than the first day by listening to songs by BTS.

After that, my sister started to talk to me more, and she also became an outlet for my problems. She wouldn't tell me most things about her life, but she would be much more helpful than a lot of my friends since she's already gone through situations similar to mine.

My parents would still unknowingly hurt me by jokingly insulting my appearance, etc. A lot of times they would tell me I needed to lose weight. Slowly, I started to stop eating as much at meals. My mom only asked me why I was eating so little once. My dad and sister never did.

Obviously, being as stupid as I was, I took this to mean that they didn't care enough about me to realize. I started to skip out on meals entirely. I would often only eat lunch, and very little at that.

Later, I found out about Yoongi having depression and such, while Jimin was starving himself. I realized in the process of crying because of this news that I was essentially on a path to what had led Jimin to restrict his diet so much he would faint in the middle of practices.

I'm glad that Jimin opened himself up to us about that topic because it helped me tell my sister how I was feeling. We ended up talking until 2 a.m. that night, she gave me confidence in myself and made sure I knew I was perfect.

This year, when BTS came out with Answer: Love Myself, I cried my heart out. BTS' music helped me through hard times when my friends and family couldn't, and the members themselves showed me that forcing myself into an unwanted diet wasn't the answer.

In fact, through their songs, they showed me I had reasons I should love myself.