Paramore One Shots

i can sabotage me by myself

This wasn't spell checked or anything. I just had to get these feelings out. It's not the usual drama filled whatever, but you know, enjoy?

**

Sometimes I feel like no one gets it. No - it's not that no one understands - it's that I'm so terrible at explaining how I feel they get the wrong idea. I need help and I know it. I've been trying to get it but every time i go into the therapy session, my mind loses itself and suddenly everything I've been bottling up just disappears for the session. I wake up everyday and just lay there and think is it really worth it? Would anyone notice if I just didn't bother? But then when I try to communicate those thoughts to my therapist, it comes across as the usual 'ugh I want to stay in bed' feelings. That's where I am now - but it's 2pm and I'm in bed. I know I have to meet the guys at the studio in 20 minutes and that I'm gonna be late if I don't get up now. Oh well - they could wait. It's not as if they need me there anyway.

"Hayley?" Taylor called through the house. I turned onto my side and buried my head beneath a pillow, hoping he would go away. Why was he even here? I gave him a key a while ago, but I couldn't remember why. He knocked before walking in.

"Please tell me you've done something productive today. Anything," he said. I lifted the pillow slightly and glanced at him.

"You know everyone hates getting out of bed, you're no different, but that doesn't mean you can just stay in bed all day," he sighed. There was something that bothered me about him saying i was no different. I didn't want to be considered different because it made me feel slightly crazy, but I knew what I was feeling wasn't normal - but it's not as if I could explain that to him. He wouldn't care. No one would.

"Why didn't you knock?" I mumbled, pulling the blanket further up to my neck.

"You haven't looked at any of my messages or answered your phone about tonight. I got worried when you didn't answer the door as well," I felt the bed shift weight and a hand on my leg. I pulled it away and curled up to the other side of the bed.

"What's going on?" He asked. I couldn't even look at him.

"You should go," I said, trying my best for the sadness not to be noticeable.

"Do you want to come to the bar with the rest of the guys tonight?" He asked. I didn't reply, hoping he would get the message and leave. Then I wouldn't have to make up some unconvincing excuse. He was too good to have to deal with someone as difficult as me.

"You know I hate seeing you so down, but you won't let me help. What do you want me to do?" He asked. I considered just asking him for a hug, but then I'd probably break down.

"I want you to leave," I didn't. I was terrified of exposing how I really felt to him. I've lost so many people, why wouldn't he leave too? The silence that took over the room was hard to read, considering I couldn't look at him or he'd see that I had been crying.

"I've known you since high school, and I know you don't want me to leave," he said quietly. Dammit Taylor, why do you have to be such a good friend? It didn't seem necessary to reply, even though his silence was telling me he was waiting for one.

"Why don't we go and get some ice cream, that vegan stuff you like, then we get down to the studio, record those new songs...uh...Caught In The Middle and Told You So, then you can come home and do all the sleeping you want," he suggested. I thought about it for a moment. If he really hated me, wouldn't he just leave? It was probably just me being paranoid, but what if it's not and my judgement is right? He's right - I can't stay in bed forever and avoid all my problems. I pulled the pillow off of me and looked at him. His eyes widened and he moved slightly closer.

"Is that a yes?" He smiled, trying to lighten the atmosphere. I dragged myself out of bed and stood in front of the mirror. I was a mess. A complete mess. Did he really want me there? Why would he want me there? Going wasn't technically an option because we only had a few more weeks until the album had to be finished, but I could easily just ask Taylor to tell the guys I'm sick. I shook my head in an attempt to rid myself of all the negative thoughts.

"I'll be downstairs in 5 minutes," I sighed, before I could talk myself out of it.