Stories from the Edge

Celebrity Autopsy

"Quick, Grandma, it's nearly starting!"

"Yes, hurry, Grandma!"

The children ran into the lounge room and dropped onto the floor in front of the TV. Tom grabbed the remote control from his younger sister, Lucy. She frowned and put out her tongue at him. Grandpa, in the recliner by the window, looked up over his tablet PC.

"Can you keep the volume down, Tom? I'm trying to read the newspaper on this thing."

"Sure, Grandpa," said Tom, fiddling with the remote.

"Ok, here I am," said Grandma, walking into the room. She carried a tray with squares of vanilla slice on a plate and two cups of coffee. She placed the tray on the coffee table. Grandpa had returned to his tablet PC and was squinting at the screen.

"George," she said in a quiet voice, "the children like this show. Can you bear to watch it with us?"

He looked up. "Oh, I suppose. Look, I don't mind the show, really. It's the guy who comperes it. He's such a -"

"George!"

Grandpa sighed, put down the tablet and reached for one of the coffees. The children jumped and clapped as the music of their favourite Sunday night programme started up.

***

Lights flashed. Cameras swept across the audience. Men and women bounced in their seats, eager to catch a glimpse of themselves on a large screen overhead. Faces were wide-eyed, mouths open and laughing. The floor director appeared on screen, arms uplifted, encouraging the audience to applaud.

A short man in a shiny grey suit walked onto the studio floor, followed by a tall blond woman in a long shimmering gold dress. Each beamed a mouthful of white teeth. The show's signature music subsided and the crowd stilled. People in the audience sat on the edge of their seats.

"Good evening, Australia. I'm Brad Slapper," the man said, speaking to the nearest camera and reading from the autocue.

"And I'm Seline Sepsis," said the woman.

"Welcome to the 2025 season of Celebrity Autopsy," Brad went on. "Post Mortems with the Stars."

The crowd boomed.

"We have a fantastic season ahead," said Seline, "with all your favourite celebrities, thrilling autopsies and lots of prize money for our studio contestants." Her smile embraced the audience as it clapped and cheered. "I hope you had a good break over the holidays, Brad," Seline went on as the audience quieted. Her dress shone in the studio lights.

"I sure did, Seline and now I'm ready for the new season. This year the show's prize pool is even bigger. So, tell us about tonight's celebrity dissector."

"Brad, during the week the TV audience at home lodged their votes at the Celebrity Autopsy website and..." She paused. "Tonight, everyone's favourite celebrity returns – it's Todd Stone!" She laughed as women in the audience cheered and whistled.

"Todd Stone," said Brad, assuming a thoughtful air, his eyes on the camera. "Do you think Todd will redeem himself, Seline, for that awkward moment last season?"

"I hope so, Brad. Losing an organ during an autopsy is not what we like to happen." A ripple of laughter made its way through the audience.

"We never did find that kidney, did we, Seline?" Brad raised one eyebrow and gave the camera an exaggerated frown.

"As always, Brad," said Seline, "we thank the New South Wales Coroner for making our programme possible." There was subdued clapping. Seline's eyes flickered as she concentrated on the autocue. "All bodies appearing on the show have had a computerised virtual autopsy and body fluid examination, before going to air, performed by our resident Pathologist and judge, Dr Rick Sludge. Let's give Dr Sludge a welcome." She clapped and looked to her left, off camera. A dark suited man wearing thick spectacles appeared on screen. He acknowledged the applause with a raised hand and a self-conscious smile.