He Is. [Hiatus]

Disaster Zone

A/N: I forgot to do this last chapter but the lovely Jamil-Shit  made this freaking amazing piece of fanart and I wanted to share it with you guys because it's great and it can legit step on me

Also I apologize because this chapter isn't as good as it could've been.

TW: Panic Attack

By the time I realized I wandered into the boy's bathroom rather than the girl's, it was already too late.

I was too focused on evading the nonexistent cameras, movement detectors, and red lasers that my mind formulated out of fear because I'm cutting freaking class and, again, I never do this. Once I made it inside I immediately ran to the big stall (y'all know the one) and locked myself in there, throwing my backpack on a corner on the process.
After that I kinda just... stood there. Dumb and numb. My heart was beating so loudly I felt like the protagonist of The Tell-Tale Heart. Everyone in the school, the neighborhood, the city could probably hear it and they would all know I'm a coward who hides in a bathroom out of fear of being caught harming myself, regardless of how covered my arms and legs are. Because I'm a paranoid creep.

As if to hide myself from the world I backed away from the wall until my scrawny thighs met the cold (and thankfully, clean) toilet. Not really having any other plans, I sat on the lidless seat and pulled out my phone. Is this what people do when they cut class? I should probably ask Hercules if I ever do this again, he looks like the kind of guy who used to cut class back in high school. For the next half an hour or so I scrolled through Twitter and got into arguments with idiots just for the sake of it. Which, is not exactly ideal, but it gives me weird tiny confidence boosts. And I really needed those at the moment. Plus, some people just really need to be told when they're wrong.

Everything was going alright. I mean, I was kinda bored but at least the urges of jumping off a bridge dimmed ever so slightly. Which was more than I could usually ask for.

Then I heard footsteps entering the bathroom.

Of course, still under the impression I was in the girl's restroom, I didn't panic. I thought it was just some girl going to take a piss or fix her hair. But then the footsteps gave themselves a voice, and it snapped me out of my oblivion.

"Stupid math," The voice, clearly male, said. "Literally when am I gonna use this shit in life!? Never, is when,"

I knew that voice, but it didn't matter. I became aware of the blue tiles and the fact that the door wasn't where it was supposed to be. How could've I been so stupid!? I knew where I was going, didn't I? It's too late to pretend I didn't and that I didn't fuck up. He was going to know and then everyone was going to know and it would be the end of everything I've worked for. My heart wasn't just beating anymore but thundering, it dropped lightning on the street and caused dogs to bark at it. My hands shook like an earthquake and sweated like a tsunami, flooding all the way to my armpits and neck. The world became dizzy and spun like a unsteady tornado. My stomach became a disaster zone and like a breaking dam, wanted to spill out. My breath started coming short and my throat started closing until no air was allowed in or out and I was trapped, trapped, trapped.

"Alexis?" The voice I refused to acknowledge said. Unconsciously, I whimpered, knowing it was over. Everything was over. "I can see your backpack, what are you doing in there?"

I opened my heavy eyelids and glanced at the corner where my tattered backpack laid. It was dirty and had my bi pride pin accomplished by many others. It was painfully obvious it was mine to anyone who knew me. I knew I couldn't hide forever from the voice, from John. And so reluctantly I stood up and dragged my stone-heavy feet toward the stall door. After pausing for a second, I unlocked it and pushed it open.

"Alexis, wha—" Laurens paused abruptly as his eyes wandered down. Oh god, he knows. "What happened to your arms?"

Oh.

I look down and see my sleeves pushed up, yesterday's bruises were now accomplished by fresh pink scratches. I must've been scratching myself without realizing. Shit.

"Nothing!" I hurried to say, even though it was obviously a lie. "Go away, John. I'm okay,"

He frowned with indignation, like I just said the worse offense you could ever say to a John Laurens. "I'm not leaving you like this," He exclaimed. Thanks Doc, now I'm aware I'm not only a hot mess on the inside but on the outside, too.

After a few seconds of me silently glaring at him, John signed and let his eyes soften. "C'mere," And without asking anything else he engulfed me in this arms on a warm hug, and the tears I tried to keep locked away started raining with no intention of stopping. I could hear his soft voice telling me to take deep breaths, and slowly I managed to will the air back into my lungs where they belong.

"Wanna skip?" He asked once I was more stable. I'm not sure if how long that took, I could only count time in breaths.

"No." I said, even though I was already skipping.

"Me either, but we're getting out of here anyway,"

•••

Our Park was unsurprisingly empty when John and I arrived. We sat down on the rusty swings and I let the silence settle in. I was going to be okay, for now. John didn't even ask what was I doing on that bathroom. Now I feel like I overreacted, if I weren't so stupidly scared then I wouldn't be jumping into conclusions like a freaking toad. Feeling the tears creep in once again, I started swaying the swing back and forth slowly, almost as if I were rocking myself.

"Is it the Student Government?" John breaks the silence. Strangely, it doesn't feel abrupt.

I sigh. "It's a lot of things,"

"Is– is there anything I can do to help? I—"

Without being able to help myself I take his hand and squeeze it gently.

"This is enough,"