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cassandrab15- The Ever Continuing Story

*Disclaimer*

I’m no professional writer okay? Most of this is strictly my opinion, and frankly a tip or two. Take this with a gain of salt.

Second Story on my list, The Ever Continuing Story by cassandrab15: Okay, I’m just going to say right now, I could not finish the rest of this story. And this will not be a positive review. Your feelings will be hurt, I am telling you now. If you can’t stomach harsh criticism just leave this page right now, click the back button, do it, do it now!

I saw that this was your only story up on wattpad and on your profile you said. “I love writing, most of my writing though is for my eyes only. Although, when I get enough courage I share it. I hope that one day, my writing will change people's thoughts and they way that they look at things, but for right now, this is all I have.” And frankly I thought to myself, “Awe, I should go easy on her.” But then I said, “Nope, don’t you dare she needs this!” Cause I rather you post your first story on here, get some criticism, if you get knocked down, bounce back up and keep on writing; than having a bunch of stories online, and then having someone give you some hard feedback. It’s easier to bounce back from a rough review after only having your first story up, than having like 10 stories up and having someone say, “Aye yo, your story sucks man, I’m sorry”. Especially when on all said 10 stories, you’ve been getting positive feedback when you frankly need some work.

I would know.

So like your story opens with Siena waking up to her mom yelling at her to wake up. That bothers me a little. I’ve seen it before, many times. Mix it up man, mix it up! Then your main character goes on to say how she was up all night talking to her boyfriend from Delaware, that she met online, etc. etc. He thought she was cheating on him, she says she would never do that, yadda, yadda. She’s not even the type of person to use someone like that.

Now from all of that, I got: ‘Kay, this girl is a generally nice person who’s with a douche-baggy boyfriend she met online.’ But then I read she sends him naughty pictures and has long ass skype conversations with him and she does it because she thought she loved him and she could win his love, then I was like: ‘Hm. Okay…..obviously this girl has some issues , I feel a little sorry for her.’ I assumed that’s what you were going for, and you were on the right track until I read these lines:

“I enjoyed being with him because I could brag about how I had a really hot Hispanic boyfriend, which was more than my bigoted white friends could say”

 

"Most people don't like that fact that I am a young white girl dating a Puerto Rican, even though I am from a sizable community in long Island." 

  "At least not my circle of family and friends" What? She loss any sympathy points she gained from me after that, that’s for sure. So then I’m pretty much reading the rest of your story thinking to myself, “this MC sounds dippy as hell” Then what happens after that? She’s with more douche-baggy people at school (and if you’ve read my previous review you know I have an issue with authors writing about teens at school, teens do go other places besides school! It wouldn’t hurt to write about it!), who are supposed to be her friends, they’re not. They tease her, she cries. She mentions a guy named Ivan, who frankly is the only nice person to her, and she has the audacity to actually be kind of rude to him? I get it, she was upset, but if you’re trying to make Siena seem like the type of person to clip on to any type of companionship she can then why have her push away from him?

I’ll admit I’m the first person to say realism is super important in a story but at this point, I’m more concerned about your story just making sense. As I continue reading on, you try to play on the relationship between your MC and her mom, it’s toxic, like every other relationship she has. Okay, she’s apparently compared to her brother a lot. Siena’s mom says to her why can’t she put more effort into things like her brother does, 100%. You had something working there, and then….Siena goes up to her room with all of her scholarship, and sportsmanship awards hanging on the walls.

*Signs*

Hun, I’m sorry but you’re just not making any sense. I feel like you’re so caught up in trying to gain sympathy points for your main character you’re losing sight on how to do it. What would make sense is if you have 1.) Siena be a decent but not great student, where it would be obvious as why it looks like she’s not putting effort into her work. 2.) Still have Siena be a good student, but instead make the mom nicer, and then have her casually always compare her to her brother, kind of nonchalantly.

Ex. Of 2.) ‘My mother sits straight up in her seat, looking through the rearview at me. A subtle smirk spreads across her face as she starts to speak, “You know, your brother won 5 awards at his graduation, let’s hope you get as many, maybe more, yeah?”- 

I don’t think it’s a good idea to have Siena be a good student and have a mean mom who wants more, that’s a little over kill.

Fast-forward through her douche-baggy boyfriend breaking up with her, her cutting her thighs, and falling asleep for the next day. Fast-forward more up to the Mr. Augustine part-I didn’t get it. I didn’t feel like there was a point to having her fantasize over her teacher. I was circling back to ‘this story makes no sense.’

I’m just going to jump to the point where you introduce Adelene. A New friend, maybe? A true friend? Hopefully! As I continue to read, from the 7th paragraph on the 3rd chapter to the end of the chapter, all I could think of was, “What. The. Actual. Fuck.” Like why is Siena talking to like 5 other guys online, has she learned nothing for the previous situation with online dating? One guy’s even planning on a visit!  

*   *  * Holy shiz nit, I just did a second glance at your story, literally right now at this moment and read the line: (don’t know how I missed this one) “I was very hesitant to even form a relationship with him because if my parents found out I was dating a black kid from the internet it would not go over well.” How about just a kid from the Internet at all? Are you trying to make her parents sound racist? I kind of had the same reaction with I saw the Puerto Rican comment, but I didn’t think you would actually do it again. Good lord. If you’re trying to make her parents racist then fine, keep what you got, but if not, please re-work it. *   *   *

Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I think you need to figure out what kind of character you want to portray for Siena. Cause right now I’m getting straight-A, sports-loving, horny teen, who’s attracted to bad situations. < and that right there sounds like a hot mess. I think you need a more solid plot, cause I can’t really see one, like at all, even developing. I also feel like in your actual writing, you information spit a lot.

Ex: I sit at park, I feed the birds, I like this park because my best friend and I go here a lot, my best friend’s Selena; she’s 17, she likes apples. She moved away last year and it makes me sad. < Info spit. That’s an info spit.

How to fix an info spit: I sit at the park and feed the birds, it fills me up with good vibes because it makes me think of senior year. My friend Selena and I would go here a lot, chill and eat some apples and what not. It broke my heart to see one of my best friends move away last year.

^Writing similar to that can really help with pacing and leaves room for adding description to make a livelier story. I suggest you look up how to ‘show not tell’ while writing, that should really help. I know some writer’s just kind of go in and write without really thinking too, too, much about it, and that’s perfectly okay. But for this story, I feel like you should go back to the drawing board and really think about what you want to do. Someone had also given me this advice I honestly can’t remember who it was but: Read your story out loud.

Honestly some of the best-basic advice I could get. So simple yet so effective! Also, taking a break from your stories once in while can help too. Just don’t look at them, think about them, nothing! There have been times where I have gone back to a story I wrote, even after week or two, and have just shook my head. Like what the hell was I thinking kind of shaking my head. I just went back to my story TDH a couple of days ago and that shit is still. Not. Right. It’s just isn’t coming together and I’ve re-written that story twice already.

I’m just going to say in advance sorry for not finding anything positive to say about your story. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It needs to be re-worked. If you do decide to re-write it, I will be more than willing to look at your story with a fresh set of eyes and review it again.

Good luck.