he was not himself, but she was still her. madly, stupidly in love with the man she once knew. how could this have happened? she began to busy herself with anything she could, desperately trying to drown out each tick of the clock that seemed to scream out the delicate syllables of his name. she sighed, he's late.
she wishes she could say that she didn't see this coming, but she has sensed him wavering for quite some time now. he would smile, but any fool could tell it was forced. she would ask about his day and it was as if she had cursed him out. he would get so annoyed with her- simply being in her presence was enough to set him off sometimes. he had fallen out of love, assuming he ever really loved her in the first place. he's really late.
she was fed up. it's been an hour. tonight was their one year anniversary. tonight was supposed to be special. their relationship was supposed to last forever. all good things must come to an end, she supposed.
seoyeon was in the middle of constructing various scenarios for the night ahead when he finally walks in. jin looks marvelous. it makes her livid. his cheeks glow with a rosy hue, his black hair styled in a way that has always managed to drive seoyeon crazy. he looks out of breath, like he had just ran a marathon. how can he still manage to look so good? he frantically looks around the dimly lit restaurant, a bouquet of hydrangeas cradled in his arms. they were her favorite. his eyes finally landed on her, and almost immediately she could see the color drain from his being.
he reaches across the table and hands her the bouquet, "happy anniversary princess."
he feels so foreign. his actions were robotic. it was almost as if he had turned himself off. this wasn't the man seoyeon fell in love with.
"why are you pretending?" she asks, eyes meeting his. she watches as his adam's apple bobbed nervously.
"i love you."
"i'm sure you did once, but that's not what I asked," she says and it's like her eyes have hands of their own, hands that rummage around in his chest until they found his heart and ripped it out through his throat.
"i know," he say quietly, "i know what you want me to say." if jin could cry he would, but the words left him barren, left him incapable of shedding tears or lies or some little bit of false hope that would stop breaking his heart and her's in two. his leg is shaking in a way that it hasn't in a long time. like it hasn't since she was everything he wanted and didn't need and nothing could dissuade him of the first or convince him of the second.
"so say it," she says, and he think the words are supposed to be angry, but they're not. they're choked and desperate and he thinks he could withstand her anger. but not this, not the way his words have wound themselves around her throat and squeezed until her windpipe collapsed in on itself.
maybe he was still in love with her. if he weren't, would he still be able to feel her pain like this? feel it like it's his to carry?
"i don't think I can," he whispers. she opens her mouth to respond but then his mouth opens and runs away with all the words that he wish would stay locked between his teeth. "you don't understand, i don't even understand. i'm trying to understand how i can look at you and want everything for you. i want that seven hundred thousand won piano that your dad won't buy and for your parents to stay together forever and for you to be so happy that the sun is jealous of the way you smile and i want nothing more than for you to be in love." his voice cracks on that last word and she winces. she knows what's coming next. please stop.
"but i don't want to be the one give you those things anymore," he says. "i don't want to be the one that makes you laugh or smile. i did once, when i was -" there is a beat of hesitation, a space where his heart should beat but doesn't. "when i was in love with you," he finishes. jin still can't cry but he wishes he could. wishes these words released some of his pain without giving her anymore to carry.
"i - " seoyeon's mouth clamps shut. as if her jaw is the only part of her with any sense of self preservation. she was always like that. doing first and explaining later, like her mouth possessed every ounce of restraint that her body didn't. she looks down instead and you can see the tick of her jaw, the way her back teeth grind against each other as if to grind up the words that might hurt him as much as his hurt her.
"say it," he whispered. "we've never hid the truth from each other. why start now?"
she looks at him with an amount of venom that finds it way from the air to his bloodstream, directly to his heart. "i think i hate you a little bit right now," she says but the words are as bitter as they are harsh. "but i guess that means i still love you, doesn't it?"
the words don't hurt jin as much as they should. maybe when one is in love with someone, their words are more than words. they are living, breathing things that inhabit some space in you. they are immortal with no expiration date in sight and the love gives them the power to ruin you or heal you. she might as well have said nothing at all.
»»————- ✼ ————-««
i don't know if this made any sense, but hopefully it did.
my stories usually find their way to a decent plot line eventually.
stayed tuned i suppose lol
also i think got7 might have gotten a hold of me.
all i know is that lullaby SLAPS. however, my fave song of theirs atm is "if you do"
let me know what you think?
this is unedited btw
