Portraits of The Songs | BON IVER

III. Holocene

The flame. It's flickering. It crackled. It coats you, through and through, turning you red, bringing you back to ashes.

"Isn't this great? I feel alive!"

You laughed as we paddled our way around the lake, with no destination set to go, wandering around aimlessly, taking in all the different views every spot from the lake could give.

Blue orbs watching. My own tears falling. What is all the time wasted even mean? When all it takes in the end is a mere death, a last second where you take your last breath.

"I'm sorry, there's nothing else we can do."

That's what they said when you just laid there atop the sickening white sheets. All the machine kept beeping time by time, telling me that you're alive, but not living.

Frankly, if it was up to me, I would have kept you there as long as I could. For the rest of my life, I don't care.

But it's not fair.

"If I'm still alive, I wanna be out here. Not there, not where all people do is arguing and fighting over money, fame, and attention. I wanna be true to myself and I wanna be free."

You turned back to look at me, your smile never betrayed your happiness, united with nature.

So now I watched you there, burning away, shifting your petite body that used to look so pale, but alive, to another form of ashes. From red blazing shade, to black charcoal, to grey ashes. Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

You used to tell me that we can have anything we want in the world. We just gotta climb, reach, and snatch it. But how are we gonna snatch fate? Are there even cheat available for such thing?

"Well, the thing is, Jordin, you can have anything, anything at all, but once you try to snatch everything at once, it'll crumble down and vanish. And you'll have nothing more than emptiness," you said, "in here."

I watched stunned as you put your hand to where my heart lies, beating.

I guess you're right.

Perhaps your life is one of the things that include everything. Perhaps that's why I can't keep you alive, just living, but dead inside.

And that ain't living at all.

"Living is learning how to move in-sync with your inner peace."

And your inner peace was out there, not here. That's why I can't just keep you beating your heart away inside that hospital room, barely alive.

The fire angrily roared and you're still burning. And I used to think to myself before, why shouldn't I hate you? You were my inner peace. But you die on me. How am I gonna live without my own inner peace? How am I supposed to move in-sync with nothing?

No. But you're not nothing. You're you.

You grinned at me with that ridiculous amount of enthusiasm, moving your chin to the back of your shoulder, where the endless beautiful scenery laid, for me to also enjoy. The nature.

And for a while I almost forgot about you, captivated by the beauty stretch of nature. Blue sky, reflective blue lake water, vast green frame, I took it all in as we stood there atop the hill.

And I smiled. True smile. Because I was happy, living in nature with you. Enjoying life.

I smile as I think about that. Nature. The wilderness. The mysteries. The thrill.

Now I know why you wanna live that way.

Cause it's free.

I accept the box where they put your ashes with a grateful smile, but I still can't stop that fallen tears. I know you can't help it that you died, but I also can't help myself not feeling sad.

Even as I make the turn from that certain dead tree you call beauty but spooky and took the trek up the hill, I still glance at you with tears in my eyes. Some already dried, but the new ones always fall down.

"Hey, sis, you wanna live here, right?" I say to you, quite funny because who talk to a box of ashes? "I bring you home."

I guess our mortality is inevitable. But at least we spent it well.

You spent it well.

At least I hope you're happy now.

I stop right before the cliff ends. The wind blow harshly, but I take it anyway.

I open the box, you, spreading you all over the place. Up the sky, down the cliff, across the hill, bringing you back to your home. Nature. Your home.

I inhaled deeply, feeling you in it.

Thank you.

For the life well spent.

I take a step forward.