Goodbye Forever

2

I continued through day-to-day life as a student with no friends. I wished more than anything that Lindsay would come up and talk to me, but she never did. I was just too scared to act on it and tell anyone that I suspected that there was more wrong than she let on. When she saw me in the hallways, she would look down at the tiles on the floor, never at my face. I was kind of glad because I don't think I would have been able to handle it if she had looked at me longingly.

As jackets were traded with sweaters, March came to an end. The snow slowly melted away as winter faded to springtime; my happiness seemed to fade too. I lost any sense of hope that I had towards Lindsay and I becoming best friends again. Spring used to be my favorite season, but then it just felt dreary.

I went through my second semester of classes in what felt like a blur and I watched from the sidelines and Lindsay changed her appearance, getting skinnier, cutting her hair short, and never dressing up. I felt bad, but what was I to do? I knew that a lot was wrong, but we had promised to stay friends forever, although it turns out that promises like that don't have much meaning. At least not with her. I don't remember resenting her, ever, just feeling a little upset. Why was she doing this?

Once the school year came to an end, I thought that maybe things would get better. Lindsay talked to me every little while, but now I realize she was just saying goodbye in her own way. She thought that leaving on good terms with me would make her feel less guilty about it. What kind of twisted outlook on life is that? Looking back, I feel stupid, but was it anyone's fault?

School started up again and I had much harder classes than the year before. Lindsay was held back a grade. It was a shame because she was so extremely smart and used to get better grades than me in many classes without even trying. But, it wasn't like Lindsay was coming to school anyway, so it didn't matter much.

Then, about a month into the next schoolyear, I received the call. The dreaded call. I had been outside, reading on the deck while my mom worked on her garden. The birds chirped peacefully, and I realized that a year had passed since Lindsay and I stopped being best friends. I darted my eyes around to stop tears from falling.

Lindsay's mother called me. Her mother had always been a nice person and seemed to genuinely care about me.

She called and said it. "Lindsay is dead. She committed suicide and is dead."

I could tell that her mother was crying, and, in the background, I heard her little brother throwing items against the wall. Her father had long been gone, not dead, just gone. I always wished for a little brother after meeting hers, Daniel. Suffering since birth with Down Syndrome, he was the most adorable child ever. But everything changed when Lindsay died.

I hung up with no response and stared at my wall for probably half an hour. Someone must have made a mistake! But there was no such hope; she had died.

I texted Lindsay for one last time before her phone would be shut down. "Why?" I texted. Then I read the email that had come through a few hours after her death. It saddened me knowing that she'd been planning this for so long.

The email said, "Dear Brooklyn, as you probably already know, I have decided to take my own life. This decision has been a hard one and has not been easy. I know that this will hurt you, but I was in too much pain and had to end it. Please continue with your life as if I was just a passing memory. I love you, Lindsay."

I couldn't cry; I was too numb. It was worse than crying and I wanted to feel. But if all I would feel was pain, why didn't I do it too? The only thing holding me back was her email to me. But how could I treat her as if she was just a passing memory if she had been in my life since we were toddlers playing together?

I decided that I wouldn't attend her funeral. I locked my room door and lay in bed for the next few hours, refusing to move. This entire problem was my fault, mine! And there was nothing I could do about it. Death is permanent. I missed her more than anything even though she had abandoned our friendship. What would I do now?