Goodbye Forever

5

As a sheet of rain started to fall from the sky, the girl who was holding me asked if I wanted to go home. I nodded, so she drove me back to my house. I didn't recognize her.

"Why did you do it?" I asked.

"Because that's where I was once," she said, and we left it at that.

I snuck back inside through my window and laid back down in my bed. I had wanted to die. Why couldn't she have just stayed away? I decided that it might be best to wait until tomorrow night. One more day couldn't hurt, could it?

When my mom came down the next morning, I told her that I felt sick. That way, she didn't make me eat or go to school. Since the way it used to be was that I never stayed home unless my mom thought I was too sick to go to school.

I made my way out again and sat on the edge of the bridge. Since there was a lot more traffic and I was in daylight, people stared. But no one came to help me or talk, and that was why I was going to have to do this, eventually.

I went back before my mom would be back from work then laid back in my messy bed. She came into my room with some food and a sad smile on her face. "I hope you'll be feeling better soon," she said and handed me the platter.

I didn't dare tell her that I would never feel better. I had killed my best friend. How could I ever be 'better'?

When I woke up the next morning, I screamed into my pillow. I hated Lindsay! Why was she so stupid? More importantly, why was I so stupid?! I told my mom that I was still feeling sick and once again walked to the bridge edge once she left for work.

As I sat on the edge I realized that I didn't feel contemplative anymore, I felt enraged. At Lindsay, but mostly at myself. All I would have had to do was tell someone that she was having problems and needed to be looked out for.

I wondered more than ever how she had even done it. Was it pills, poison, jumping off this very bridge? Her body was at her funeral, so it probably would have had to be something in her house, planned out long before it happened. I assumed pills, but since nobody told me anything, all I could do was play situations through my head like a movie until I drove myself crazy. Every situation was without hope, because it didn't matter how it had happened, it had already happened. Lindsay was dead and the thought made me want to punch a hole directly through my bedroom wall.

Instead of sleeping, I snuck out again that night. I walked over to the bridge in the cold darkness and sat, with my feet hanging over the edge. It would be so easy to try again. Just to jump off the bridge and end it. I didn't know why, but I didn't do it. Maybe I was just too scared.

I didn't remember the process of getting home, but I was back in bed before my mom came down to check in on me the next morning.

"You look exhausted," she commented, "You can stay home today, but if you aren't back in school tomorrow, I'm going to have to take you into the hospital."

"I'll go tomorrow," I assured, and she left for work.

Once she had been gone for some time, I went upstairs. The house was in perfect shape and order as my mom liked it, not a thing out of place. I then remembered that she never brought me food this morning and smiled. Maybe she would finally let me lose that extra weight that I'd been holding onto.

I didn't even realize what I was doing when I reached for a knife from the kitchen drawer, but then I noticed that it would be a perfect way to punish myself. I carried the knife back to my bedroom and lifted my shirt. My stomach appeared as fat as usual, so I started there. The blood was released almost instantly and I relished in the punishment. Maybe the guilt would finally go away.