Our Deepest Regrets

The Dream

I am straddling his hips, my hands running though his luscious chocolate brown hair. His hands caressing my cheeks. Kissing me slowly and gradually moving down my neck desiringly, wishing to take in every drop of me. I can feel myself heating up from every gentle kiss he's laying upon my body. As he gets lower and lower I can taste the craving of him, wanting more, him inside of me.

"Andrew," Is all I am able to say as I feel indescribable pleasure...

I shoot up, shaking my head as I remember my dream.

"What the actual hell was that?!?" I'm silently muttering to myself as I sit up in bed and place a hand on my head because I feel a headache coming on.

All I'm thinking about is why Andrew and I shouldn't be together, he's my bestfriend, I'm in mid-thought when I hear my mom shout;

"Sarah, I need you to watch the boys and Danny. Think you can manage that?"

"Yeah mom, I'll see you after work, I love you!"

"I love you too!" She replies as I hear the door shut loudly behind her.

I'm still in bed when Danny walks through my doorway. Her groggy, sleepy eyes and disheveled hair as always, as I notice, she too, is still wearing her pj's.

I instruct the tiny being to sit down. Reluctantly she does, to her the torture is about to begin, for me I'm simply going to brush her hair. She's sitting in front of the entertainment center in my room and my back is to the door. Danny is going on and on about wanting to play with me and how she's excited to be with me, even though I have to watch her, Asher, and Brookes. I've learned how to tune her out so I just space while my hands automatically move brushing the small girls hair.

I'm too tired to function, I got WAY too much sleep. Then again it's the summer so I can't really complain.

My back still to the door, I hear the voice I heard less than an hour ago in my thoughts.

"What's up Andrew?" I ask him over my shoulder as I try not to hurt the 6-year-old plopped in front of me.

"Nothing much, just wanted to surprise my favorite person in the world and wanted to know if we could talk... Somewhere private...?" As he gestures his head back towards the door. His tone is concerning, but I plaster on a smile anyways.

"Yeah, just give me oneeeeee sec..." I pull Danny's long hair into a high pony tail and tell her I'll be right back.

Andrew and I head outside, awkward silence once again surrounding us as we head out the door.

The sky is it's dull orange self. Almost as if one is color blind, but today it was more red than anything. It created an aesthetic blend, it was a nice change compared to the gloomy weather we've been having recently. Clouds surrendered to the beaming sun. Just days before, it was almost as if was crying. Non-stop water. Long ago it must have had a name, but these days we just say the sky is crying. The old textbooks talk about this thing called rain, and maybe years and years ago that's what it was called; But I don't think the Society would change what we say. After the last world war, many of the old names from before were replaced. They said it was so we wouldn't fall back into the old ways.
Ever since then the sky hasn't been any shade of blue. I've read books and heard stories about what it used to look like, but my generation will never know. Sometimes I daydream in between my studies to imagine it's beauty, if only "pictures" weren't destroyed, maybe then I'd get a glimpse, but our technology hasn't aged since 2024, that's approximately 32 years without modern or up to date technology.

Andrew and I walk past the offensively yellow to bloody red canyons on the copper dirt path. I always trail my fingers along the wall, as I allow my mind to slip into an abyss of nothing, silence, it's usually my escape. But today, I just walk with my arms by my sides, thinking of what it is that could possibly be going through Andrew's mind.

The walk is quiet...

Awkward silence, my worst enemy, the last thing I snark to myself.

I break it first,

"So, what did you need to talk about... and somewhere private?"

"Well, I, uh, I..." He was stuttering, what does that mean?

"You...?" Out of all of the times I had finished his sentences, now was not one of them.

"Well, I know that you're not the best with guys because of that nonexistent father figure in your life, but you... you can talk to me about anything and everything. And I mean, I know your stepdad is in the picture, but that's not my point..."

"Then what is your point?" I say almost too harshly my brows furrowing.

"My point is that, I love you..." Andrew's voice is going soft, as I search his eyes, so full of emotion.

"You know I love you too, Andrew, I always have." Tears threatening to stream from my eyes, but I'm blinking them away, not willing them to flow.
    The only thoughts zooming through my head are the ones of how Andrew no longer wants to be a part of my life. Maybe he joined the military and was being deployed. But if that was the case; why would he be telling me so late... why now...? After 10 years of friendship, why would he want to leave now? Oh god... what if he got some girl pregnant? No no no, no need to panic, he hasn't even said much... I need to get a grip on reality before I slip into the abyss, and not the good kind. The kind that sucks you into a black hole, leaving you wondering, flustered, worried. I read that people used to take medicine for something called Anxiety, the Society claims it's been wiped from everyone, but what if... That's a big what if Sarah, stop thinking. Snap back to what is happening...