Until We Meet Again

Part two

PART TWO

I was sure I was not dreaming. I could feel your breath coming from behind. Felt the warmth on my neck. I was cold no more. Maybe I was imagining it, but it felt vivid when you hugged me from behind. I felt protected once more. And then my eyes were leaking and my nose was stuffed. I felt a weight in the chest and suddenly I was trembling badly. How ironic it was! Only after your death, that I felt it was so hard to let you go.

I would always thought of you. This grievance was killing me piece by piece. I knew I had to live with it for the rest of my life. I wished I stayed that night when you were just trying to help me with my depression. I had to admit that I was a selfish freak! It was indeed a vivid memory.

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"Baby, I want to get pregnant."

It was a normal phase in your marriage life, when you would realized that you could spare one more room for a little human being. When suddenly it was not enough just to be accompanied by each other. That feeling of emptiness was unavoidable. So when I voiced out to him that I want to have a baby, he was totally opposed it. He had reminded me of my mental illness condition. Which he clearly knew, was the least of my favorite everyday topic!

"Lisa, honey... I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. What is missing? Did I not make you happy enough? Aren't you happy with our lives now? How about a cat, then? I can manage that in no time. But a baby? You do know that it's not your decision alone, right honey?" He reasoned with me.

"We can at least try, please. I'm begging you. I can't help it. I want to have my own child, your child! I want to feel him grow and moving inside me. I just wanted to feel complete and competent!" I tried to make him saw my point. About this thing I want so bad.

He took me in his arm and hugged me tight. His hands caressing my hair and down to my back. And he kissed my neck deeply. I was able to calm everytime he did this. I felt secured in his care. This man had protected me with his life. I knew he loved me, but that was not the issue. I wanted him to have a normal life. Even though I knew that was totally absurd. Not with a wife suffering with bipolar disorder.

Our doctor told us earlier that it would be possible with a proper care and planning. But it would took the whole team to make it worked. The truth was, no one really knew how it would turned out to be at the end of the pregnancy. And that of course, if and only if we survived that long. Anything could occurred along the way. I could get worse if I got so tired. And what if the hormones would not want to cooperate? What if I missed taking my medications? What if I could not handle the sickness? What if I got too overwhelmed with the condition I was in?

He kissed me on my forehead and down to my lips. I saw hope in his eyes. Hope!

"Okay... We will see our doctor again, first thing in the morning. And then we'll see what we can do about this,okay? Now, can we have dinner? I'm starving." He smiled. But I could not ignore the bitterness in it.

"You know what? I have better idea..."

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No words...just sending love to all. Enjoy the story.
💝💝💝