Rain in the Sun

16 - Buried Past

[Arthit's POV]

I woke up with a start, cold sweats running on my back and on my face. I had a nightmare. It's that same dream I had before. It's been years ago since I last dreamt of that but I still remember it clearly.

I had a smile on my face as I climbed the stairs that day. He'd been so down for a couple of weeks then. He always had a smile but I it's been wiped off of his face ever since that day when he told them about him, the real him.

I wanted to follow what he did, to finally come out and to not hide anymore. But because of how they reacted, of how they had shouted at him, of how they had treated him after that, he told me not to. He told me to never tell until they come around and finally accept him. But they never did.

Every day, it only worsened. The looks they gave him not only hurt him but me as well. The words they threw at him cuts like a knife. I watched him became the man he wasn't. I watched him slowly wither. I wanted to do something but I didn't know what to do. I know they love him. He's their son. But they don't like what he had become, said he's just confused, that it was just a phase of growing up and he'd soon realize what he really is and not what he thought he was.

Until that fateful day came... I was holding a bowl filled with water with 2 goldfishes. I saved money from my school allowance to buy him this because he'd been wanting to have them before the whole ordeal happened. I wanted to make him feel at least a little better. I wanted to see him smile again. I knocked on his door a few times but there was no sound inside. That's when I decided to open his door and the sight that greeted me has been my nightmare all these years.

I dropped the bowl and I hear it break but I couldn't avert my eyes from the horror in front of me. There he was— lifeless. His body was limp. His color drained to a deathly white. His eyes open but not seeing. He's dead. He hanged himself. He's no more. Gone. That's when I knew that I would never see his beautiful smile again. I will never see my brother smile again. His beautiful smile is gone and his hanging body and empty eyes are forever imprinted in my memory.

"Oon, you okay? You're trembling." I slowly looked up and saw Prae looking at me worriedly. I opened my mouth to speak but words aren't coming out. I feel my throat tighten and that familiar sting in my eyes soon followed. My vision started to get blurry that I didn't see her coming. She pulled me in her embrace and that's when the tears start cascading down my cheeks. I hold on her like my life depended on it and cry like a baby. All the pain resurfaces and it suffocates me. I don't know what to do. My heart feels so heavy.  I thought I made myself strong but I prove myself wrong. It still hurts like hell and I don't know what to do anymore.

"Shhh... Hush now, Oon. It'll be okay," she said in a gentle voice as she tightens her hold on me whilst her hand comforts my back. "Whatever happened that made you like this again, it'll be alright. So hush now. I'm here for you. I never left you, you know that."

"But we already broke up," I replied, voice almost coming out as a whisper and my response earned a chuckle from her.

"Prae?" A voice of a woman came from the door. She looks unfamiliar. This is the first time I have seen her.

Prae then pulled from her embrace on me and gestured the other woman to come closer which she did. Prae held her hand before looking at me and smile. That's when it clicked on me. "Is she?" I asked. Prae's smile becomes wider and she smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen of her.

I am happy for her for finding love after all that had happened. We were still too young when my brother Surya took his own life. Surya, Prae and I were best of friends even before we came to know what that word means. Our parents are best friends too, our mothers specifically and that's how we became friends.

When Surya left us, I was never the same. I fell into depression. My parents and Prae tried everything they could think of to pull me up from the darkness that enveloped my entire being but they couldn't. I was so lost and hurt that everything around me passed by without me noticing. I not only lost my brother whom I love so much but I also feel like I lost myself. I am what my brother is. Our hearts beat for the same gender as us, and so is Prae.

I don't know if that is just a coincidence but that's just it. When we found out about that, our bond became stronger as ever because we felt like we need to protect each other from the cruel world. Prae and I didn't understand it at first but Surya was the one who made us understand that since he's the older and he knew a lot of things we couldn't understand yet at that time.

One night as I was thirsty, I came out from confining myself inside my room to get a glass of water. On my way there, I heard my mother crying and it tears my heart. She was in my father's embrace who was also crying silently as he tries to be stronger for my mom. Surya's death is as painful for them as it is for me. He is my brother but he is also their son. They also lost him and me drowning in my miseries is also killing them. That's when I decided that I need to be strong for them. They may have lost their son but they still have another one. And I made a promise to myself that I will never ever hurt them. I don't ever want to see them crying in pain but trying to be strong in front of me. I will make them proud of me and I will only see them smile that even when I'm not looking, that smile will retain in their faces.

The next day, Prae went to see me and that's when I realized that she's also suffering from Surya's death. He is also her best friend but I was so overpowered by my own sorrow that I refused to see their sufferings too. And so that day, I told Prae that we need to teach our hearts to not fall for the wrong person to save ourselves and our parents from another suffering and she agreed right away. We are never right anyway. My brother died because he chose to follow his heart and because of that, he no longer is with us now. And until now, his death still hurts and haunts me at the same time.

It was during our second year in high school when Prae proposed that we should date each other. I was shocked at first but she told me that we're not going to really date but will just fake it to stop our parents and friends from teasing us for still not having someone special in our lives. It was getting harder and harder to avoid that topic so I agreed to her.

"I am glad to finally meet you, Khun Arthit." My stupor was broken when I heard Prae's girlfriend's soft voice. I looked up and saw her smiling at me. "Prae talks about you all the time. Sometimes, I'm beginning to wonder if you two are just really faking your relationship that time," she said giggling and my eyes widened. I need to clear things with her or she'll get the wrong idea. "I'm just kidding, Khun Arthit. You look like you are about to panic. Prae is right. You're really cute," she continued still giggling and along with Prae now. I can only roll my eyes.

"Just call me Arthit," I said after a while.

"Mine is Cherry," she said and pulled me in a hug which surprised me. "And from now on, I am also your friend whom you can confide along with Prae." And before I can even make sense of what she said, she released me I stare with blinking eyes at the two women grinning at me.

[Kongpob's POV]

I stare at my untouched food and sigh for the umpteenth time. I've been calling Arthit since yesterday but all my calls are transferred to a voicemail. His friends couldn't contact him as well. I am so frustrated and confused at the same time. Frustrated because I am not sure why he acted like that, and confused because he confuses me. One second, I think he was trying to avoid me. The next second, I saw something in his eyes when he stared at me which I can't quite grasp. And then he's suddenly mad at next. He even slapped my hand. But what frustrates and confuses me the most is when he called Prae. They have broken up, right? I mean, it is not wrong to keep in touch with your ex but something tells me that they're still close as ever and that hurts a little— or much if I were to be really honest. I don't want to entertain the thought that they have maybe reconciled and are back as lovers again but a part of me thinks that is the case and that hurts like hell. And if it were so, what am I supposed to do now? Should I still continue and fight for him? Or should I just accept that he can never be mine and to just let him go?