BMC reacts to BMC

8

(A/N: EXCUsE Me HOLY FucK?¡¿! There is now over 300 reads on this book this is i n s a n e.)

Y/n's pov.

"u-uh, and y-your..g-guy's room is- uh, r-right next door. I mean..."

"Th-thats only if y-you want too, y-you g-guys really d-dont have t-to s-spend the ni-night."
i manage to stutter out.
I mentally slap myself, even though i am somewhat proud of myself, thats the longest sentence i've said since this conversation started.

Connor giggled at my nervousness, making me want to scream, but i kept it in for the sake of not making a complete fool of myself.

oh wait, too late.

"Oh my god you remind me too much of evan" connor said, making me smile, Ive always considered myself the mental twin of evan hansen.

"-And of course, we'll stay the night, theres no reason not to." Evan says, smiling at me.

It takes every muscle in my body not to squeel.

The weirdest thing about this situation, is that im giving them my Dear Evan Hansen room, so uh...

No, the weirdest thing is that they're here at all.

Yes, yes i have a dear evan hansen room, it helps for fanfiction, or if i feel like singing dear evan hansen, or in general, its kindv'e theraputic.

god, just-

I just hope they like it really, thats all.

~Quick lil time skip brought to you by: Me not knowing how to write so i use time skips~

(Still Y/ns pov)

i stand infront of the door, taking a nervous breath in as i turn the doorknob. immediately the door opens and i step out of the way so they can step inside.

once Evan, Connor, Jeremy, And Michael are inside, i step inside behind them, watching them admire the room.

A light sky blue color coats the walls, white puffy clouds scattered around the upper half of the room, all of which have Dear evan hansen lines and lyrics in them. The bottom half of the room has trees painted all over the place, an ice cream place, and a bench or two.

The floor is a covered in a light blue paint. Theres a bed over in the corner of the room, its a decent size, the frame is an angelic white, the blankets were resembling evans polo shirt.
Next to it there was a chocolate brown bed-side table, a blue lamp was sitting in the corner of it, lighting the room. Undernieth it there was a copy of the Dear Evan Hansen Novel. I stand there, staring aimlessly at different objects placed around the room.

"Woah...y/n this is....a-amasing" evan said in awe.
I shrugged nervously. "..uh- its..uh- thank y-you? i-its just..uh- a n-normal r-room to me- uh"
I facepalm, before taking a breath and rephrasing.
"Th-Thank you" i say with a smile, trying not to break down into a nervous fit again. Its difficult when every second, i have nervous butterflies in my stomach.

"well, you guys can talk to y/n in here if you guys want?" jeremy says, looking back at all of us instead of admiring the walls as he was a minute ago .

Great. and my calmness is over in two seconds.

Evan nodded, smiling. "sounds good"

well fuck.

Jeremy gets up and starts to walk to the door, michael following close behind him.

I watch them the whole time, looking at jeremy before he closes the door, mouthing 'Please'.

He smiles at me reassuringly, making my stomach drop.

Well Fuck.

He shuts the door and i immediately start to panic.

i turn around and start to panic as i started drowning in silence, trying to form words but my mouth fails me and stays quiet.
Then, connor walks up and invites me into a hug, and i accept.
As happy as i was right now, i break down crying.

i squeeze my eyes shut tight, letting warm tears stream down my face as i wrap my arms around connor.

All of a sudden i feel my feet being lifted off the ground, causing me to start to panic.

connor, still hugging me, carries me over to the bed in a tight grip, both in fear that i would fall, and in comfort.

Great, so i am going to have to open my eyes.

my mind races.

my anxiety really does match my personality huh?

restless, sometimes doing something helpful...

other times, scribbling on a piece of white paper, for absolutely no reason.

Why do you write like you're running out of time.

hah, Hamilton references have always helped me, just to relax in general.

However, with my anxiety, its more like....

okay, picture me, scribbling on a piece of paper, right?

Now, take that image, but replace me, with my anxiety, and the paper, with my brain.

Thats what my anxiety is.

Constantly making a mess of my thoughts, distorting them so they seem nothing but terrifying.

i mentally giggle at myself.

huh,
afraid of myself.

how fucking stupid.

Sometimes, during situations where im panicing, the scribbling gets more violent, not allowing me to even read my thoughts, just leaving me in a state of shock and panic,

and then...

it rips

thats right.

The paper fucking rips.

Then, that is when i break down, or relapse, or something stupid and weak.

I take a deep breath in and out, and start to sing a song in my head, to try to calm me down..

There are moments that the words dont reach...

there is suffering too terrible to name...

you hold your child as tight as you can....

I breathe, continuing to sing the song in my head, focusing on anything but the world around me as connor sits down on the bed, placing me down, but not yet letting go

And push away the

Unimaginable...

I feel weight shift on the bed behind me, i know its evan and try not to panic.....
The moments
when you're in so deep...
it feels easier to just swim down...

The hamiltons move uptown,
and learn to live with the unimaginable.

I let tears stream freely down my face as i prepare, for my inevitable doom.

I spend hours in the garden

i walk alone to the store..

and....

its quiet uptown....

...

i never liked the quiet before...

i take the children to church on sunday....

A sign of the cross at the door..

and i pray...

that never used to happen before...

...
...
..
.

philip you would like it uptown.

......

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