short stories

what's stopping me

2018- 10- 22

The twinkling lights strung up, delicately lighting up the carnival and the late evening with an almost magic-like atmosphere, my arm wrapped around my girlfriend's shoulders. As we're walking through the endless rows of booths filled with prizes and fried delicacies, my laughter is light. My group of friends making light-hearted jests, my dear girlfriend's giggle ringing through my ears, I felt weightless. Like nothing mattered as the night was young, just as we were. Our laughter drowned out by the screams of people on rides, the endless chatter of others echoing.

Our footsteps pressing onto the grass, we talk about anything, from how high school is almost over, soon we're talking about games that we should play. We browse around, looking for something interesting. Lingering gazes on the prizes and activities, the people running them call out to us, encouraging us to partake in their little game. My girlfriend points out a couple booths, making jokes and smiling as bright as the strung up lights. She was beautiful, no doubt, she made me feel light. However, I couldn't help but feel... unsatisfied. She was this constant piece of reality that prevented me from completely feeling like I was in a dream. I shake my head, what an odd thing to want. I should be satisfied with what I have. I smile back at her.

Though, I could feel that my smile didn't quite reach my eyes, or reached the same level of joy my friends had. Like the intensity and rush of being on top of a roller coaster before it dips, I just didn't quite feel it. Maybe I just had too much on my mind, that's normal, right? I mean, with me graduating soon, I'm gonna leave for university. I'm gonna be starting a new life soon, leaving behind a lot of what I'm familiar with. Was I even happy being with my girlfriend? Is my girlfriend attracting me? Do I have a problem with myself? Am I satisfied with myself? What do I want to pursue in my life? Do I really want to go to this university? What is it that I wanna do? What's stopping me?

I feel a small nudge, making me blink. Snapping me out of my thoughts. I look down. The watchful gaze of my girlfriend observing me and etched across her features is concern and worry. I suddenly feel nervous, like I'm about to take a dip in the roller coaster. Blinking a couple times more, with a small shake of my head, I try my best to give her a reassuring smile. "I'm fine," I mumble, though I don't feel that I am, that the way I felt didn't match my smile towards her. Instead, I feel like I'm about to burst, but I stop myself from feeling the urge to tell her the truth. I should be having a good time, I could only be young for so long before I had to face responsibilities. Can I even trust myself to make my own decisions? I'm getting in my head again.

Still browsing around, there isn't a game in my vision that captures my interest. I feel myself starting to go back to feeling weightless, my friends make a couple more comments, we all laugh. Some of us stumble, the patches of grass and dirt underneath us is soft, we shove one another at how stupid our jokes were. I feel even more weightless now. Then a small tug on my shirt pulls me back, looking down, a gleam in my girlfriend's eyes and her arm pointed towards a booth. The prizes look simple, nothing special, the game a simple toss into a bucket. But, the name was just something else, it was confusing. "2 In Wins?" What the hell did that mean? Pulling my girlfriend closer, I go up to the booth, checking out the details of it. Sensing my girlfriend giving me a questioning look, I try to ignore it.

I still don't get it, what does "2 In Wins" mean? My eyes squint, gritting my jaw, mumbling "Is it a chance thing?" This game is starting to frustrate me now, I'm not even playing it. Should I play it? Take my odds and try seeing what it means? I'm curious. It is quite tempting. What's stopping me? The click of a shoe pulls me back out my thoughts, I turn my head towards the source. Suddenly, I can't seem to breathe, I feel like I'm floating. Is this what it feels like to be too far up in the atmosphere? The roller coaster doesn't take a dip... it's looping.

My eyes are laid upon the attractive figure of a young man, a foot placed on the small divider, holding a ball in each of his hand. That crooked, boyish smile and those warm brown eyes looking back in my direction. He asks me if I wanna play but I can't help but pay attention to the twinge of butterflies and knots in my stomach just by looking at this guy. Who does he think he is? I shouldn't be feeling this way for another guy. I'm a guy myself. It's just not right. Damn, I told myself already that I wasn't going to become attracted to other dudes. And, I won't. I just—I won't allow myself to.

Besides, I have a beautiful girlfriend, I should be feeling this way for her. These knots should be for her, not for some—some random, attractive guy that decides to suddenly pop up and ruin my life. But, I've never felt those butterflies people talk about when they're in love for my girlfriend. I've never once felt them for her... Is there something wrong with me? Should I let her know about this? Should I let others know about this? I can't. Being... being a... faggot is wrong. It's disgusting. Word would break out in this small town, I'd be a castaway, shunned. I don't want to believe that I'm one of those homosexuals. What I'd do though to kiss a guy, to be myself—no. No. Stop it. I'm not gay. My parents didn't raise me to be like this, they wouldn't accept me. God wouldn't accept me. No one would accept me. How much longer can I keep telling this to myself? Why am I attracted to guys? Why can't I be straight?

Why can't I just be normal? Why do I keep longing for things that just aren't good? I'm incredibly blessed, I have an amazing girlfriend, a good group of friends, able to go to the university that my parents want, I'll be able to live a good life. So why am I longing to go to the small arts college instead? I'm an idiot, I'd fail at being an artist, I wouldn't survive in the outside world. I wouldn't be able to make money and my parents would be so utterly disappointed in me. I want to be happy though, I want to live my dream. I wanna feel like I'm floating. Maybe I don't have to be financially stable at all times, maybe I wanna take the risk at being an artist. I want to create something. But everything that my parents have done for me would've gone all to waste and people tend to look down on artists. It isn't an admired occupation.

What do I want to do though? I've always relied on others to make decisions for me, just because I can't trust myself. What's really stopping me? There's so much I want to pursue in my life, I'm still so young. What's so appealing to me about becoming an artist? Why do I often imagine myself being in a relationship with another male? Why do I enjoy feeling like I'm floating? Why don't I just do what I want to do? What's stopping me? No, that's a terrible idea. I shouldn't choose my choices, that's what makes people rebel and become idiots. There are so many reasons as to why I shouldn't do what I want. Society wouldn't allow it. I won't allow it.

A sharp tug yanks me out of my train of thoughts, my head snapping towards my arm. Hands coiled around my bicep, shaking my arm, I look down at my girlfriend once more. She looks so worried. I still can't bring myself to tell her. It's probably just a phase. Blinking to get myself back into reality, I look back at the young man running the booth. Those warm eyes still looking at me, concern trapped in them, captivating me and all my attention, I try to stop myself from drowning in them. Some of my friends are watching me, some others may have left to do their own thing, but despite so many people looking at me. All I feel is the burning gaze of the man in front of me.

Shaking my head, rolling my shoulders, I shove my hand into my pocket. Pulling out a five dollar bill, I reach out to give it to the man. Mustering a grin, "I'll play your little game." The night is young, just as I am and right now, my decisions don't matter. I'll allow myself this one choice because soon, I won't be able to change what I have. Whatever is encouraging me to play this dumb game, whether it's the odd title, or the man running this booth, I'll take my chances. I feel myself becoming weightless again, I'm finally dropping on the roller coaster. This won't matter in the long run anyways. Besides, what's stopping me?

A.N: this is probably my favourite short story that i have written as of right now. i had a lot of energy and motivation to write this and the ideas just kept flowing so it was really fun to write this! this story isn't connected to the recent stories, it's just it's own piece. i might write a sequel or a story connected to this, time will tell. i hope that you guys like this one,  i'll be seeing you in the next chapter! cheers and bye. (づ>ω>)づ