Even if the stars don't shine

Riley

  Bucky caught up with him at the end of the second staircase they descended. Steve panted although he really didn't need to which told Bucky something else, it was the apprehension of emotion that caused him to breathe differently, not overexertion.

  "Steve, what's going on?" Bucky tried to reach out, but Steve turned quickly making the former let his hand fall. There were tears gathering in his eyes, something Bucky hadn't seen in years and it rightly worried him.

  "I'm sorry, I just..." he sniffed, trying to get the liquid away from his eyes without letting it drop.

  "Tell me what's going on... we can work through it," he attempted.

  Steve scoffed with a smile and looked down. "I- I didn't- I didn't think you'd be fixed before me..." he confessed and felt a rush of horror and regret run through him. He wanted to take it back and gazed away.

  "Fixed? You think I'm fixed?" Bucky chuckled which Steve didn't expect and glanced up at him again. "If I don't sleep next to Lana... I scream in the night and cry like a- like a child, that's if I try to sleep at all... I can't go outside too often or I get so claustrophobic that I break down in a coffee shop bathroom," he scoffed, the smile still on his face but tears also coming to his eyes, "I'm so afraid that you'll leave me..." the clot formed in his throat, "afraid that you'll leave me that I've been trying to prepare myself for the reality when you won't need me anymore... and I'll become a memory of the past," he expelled the air in his chest and a tear fell from his eye.

  Seeing this Steve wasn't so concerned to let his own do the same, he remained quiet sensing that Bucky wasn't finished.

  "I've dreamt of ripping this arm off my body ever since I got it..." he looked down at the metal and the hatred began to rise up in him again, "do you know what it's like to touch something so delicate and fear you'll break it apart... even when it's one of the things you love most in the entire world..." the smile had faded thinking of Lana like that. With that look of disgust that Pepper had when she first saw it.

  "Buck... I had no idea-"

  Bucky put a strong, although fairly shaky, hand on Steve's shoulder. "And I wouldn't want you to..."

  "But why not? We're in this together, aren't we?"

  "Of course, we are but... you've never really seen that side of me, not since... the Winter Soldier-"

  "That wasn't you-" 

  Bucky gripped his shoulder to stop him. "I know... but I wouldn't want to show you my weaknesses when I once protected yours..." the lump in his throat felt like it was made of acid. He glanced away.

  Steve chuckled, one last tear escaping his grasp as Bucky's hand fell from his shoulder. "Bucky... you were a hero to me, but you weren't a god, I knew you had baggage, we all do, your parents died when you were young, and you had three siblings to look after... I understood you had your weak spots, so did I," he shrugged.

  The image of smaller Steve faded from Bucky's view as he digested his words, he'd grown up and he knew he'd have to accept than sooner rather than later, although it was still nice to hold onto some things. Bucky smiled lightly. "You still get the nightmares...?"

  Steve's own smile began to fade. "Yeah... of course..."

  "What gets you through?"

  "Last night I guess it was just the knowledge of being around people I didn't want to worry... you, Sam, Natasha, Lana..."

  "If you wake up in the middle of the night... and you're scared, promise me," he held out his pinkie belonging to his right hand, "promise that you'll sneak into our room and wake me up and talk to me... promise," he encouraged.