Fundamentally Loathsome

13. Everybody Has A Poison Heart

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

Tonight, we perform in Seattle, Washington. I've always loved this place. I'm not sure if it's all the rain and cold weather, but something about a gloomy state is beautiful to me. I sat outside our tour bus on the bottom step as I smoked. I'm pretty sure everyone else is still asleep. I haven't been able to sleep well since I've been on this bus. I already missed my bed and the quiet of my home.

"Mind if I join you?" I heard from behind me and I swear I wouldn't have felt tense or uncomfortable except for the fact that it was Corey asking.

"Go for it," I mumbled and continued staring forward.

"You always did love it up here," Corey said quietly as he lit his own cigarette. I turned my head to look at him and nodded.

"It's kind of funny, almost. We haven't spoken a word to each other in such a long time. And that's your ice breaker?" I asked as I raised an eyebrow, taking a long drag from the cigarette. He was quiet for some time, but it wasn't really an uncomfortable silence that washed over us.

I finished my smoke and tossed it out in front of me. "I really didn't have a clue what to say to you. Honestly, what could I have said? Sorry? No. That I fucked up? We all know that. Should I have went with 'I was drunk and missed you'? That wouldn't be any better. I didn't want to fight with you and I'm so fucking tired of you being miserable because of me. I just wanted you to move on with your life and forget about me completely. Looks like you did a good job of that until they brought you with us. I'll keep my distance from you, though. It won't be like last time, I swear. I love that you're finally happy. Just know that I'm so fucking far beyond sorry for the things I've done to you. And I'm sure you don't believe me, but I do love you Frankie. More than I could ever dream of loving someone," He finished his statement and threw his butt across the lot as well.

He took my hand in his and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles before standing up. Finally, I found my voice. "Wait," My voice cracked when I said it, but I refused to let myself cry over him again after all this time. He stopped and came back to sit beside me again. He looked intently at me, but I never was able to look into his eyes.

"I- I miss having all of you guys in my life. When I say all of you, that doesn't exclude you Corey. We can never be together again, but I miss having you as my friend. My life, even though I've been doing a lot better now, isn't the same without my family," A tear slid down my cheek and he didn't let it fall to the ground before he wiped it away.

"I'm always here for you. If you want to be friends, I'll be the best damn friend to you that I can be," He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side. I sighed and put my head on his chest. I was comfortable enough to go to sleep, but I knew this wasn't the place.

We both stood up and went back on the bus. "How long have you been awake?" He asked me as I put on some coffee and sat on the small couch. I shrugged.

"I haven't been able to sleep much at all on this bus. I know it's been forever, but I just keep having flashbacks and I'm not sure why my brain won't just shut up and let me rest," I turned on the tv to see if anything worth a damn was on.

"I'm always that way at the beginning of a new tour. I miss my bed and never really sleep unless we stop at a hotel," He took a seat beside me and outstretched his arm again. I moved closer to him and rested my head between his shoulder and chest. He slid his arm down to rest on my waist and pulled me closer. "Or when I have you in my arms," He mumbled. I was almost asleep when I remembered the coffee.