Thoughts

Little girl

I ran to the bathroom with my mouth full of uneaten food and crying my eyes out. I had to throw the food out of my mouth so I bend down and spit it out on the toilet I was still crying because those words really hit the spot. I was disgusted by those words. I strip down and got in the shower with the thoughts of "that I've never been talked so disrespectfully in my life not even my damn fucking ghetto ass schools that I've attended and yet at home,if I can call it that, I don't get respect and no one really gets it that i crave to be seen, crave for the respect, and not just for my academics.

Really in my home I am bipolar a'f. My sisters would describe me as a bitch because let's face it i am. My friends would describe me as a chill girl who gives really good advice and a shoulder to lend if someone needs it. My father would describe me as this perfect little girl who is smart as hell,always gets a's, honor rolls, and has been offered many propositions for college.

When in reality no one knows who I really am I act like a bitch because I get frustrated really fast and my sisters carry too many bull shit for my liking. I'm a depressed little shit and too selfless too put my self first so instead I help those around me so I won't have to deal with my bull shit and ignore it. That perfect little girl of his is slipping through his hands without him knowing she has been loosing her mind for a long time, she puts this little act so he will love her more than the rest of her siblings, she worked hard to make him feel proud if her.

That little girl wants to do different things from what his mind is planning, she wants to let loose, she wants to dye her hair, go to concerts, do drugs, dress like how the fuck she wants without being criticized, she wants to get piercings and tattoos  too many to count on her body and face, that little girl wants too cut, wants to puke, wants to scream, wants to die and finally be free. Even tough that little girl is only about to turn only 16. That little girl wanted to do all of that and more since she was 12. And yet she still needs to find her voice and scream it out loud, she needs to finally gain some balls and have the guts to do it.

That Little girl's plan is to do what he wants until she graduates and get an all paid expense scholarship so that little girl can go and leave that than house of hers and her oh so lovely family that her heart still loves. She wants to move into her door room(dorm room or what ever you call it} that the college/university has and leave her past and family for it to be never be brought up again. She wants to escape with everybody thinking that she will be fine on her own and be proud of her. And after all that little girl would still be too damn selfless and care for others after all she is planning on leaving by the good way and not in the bad,she is still so damn scared of what people will say in the end. That little girl is now sitting in her room typing all of this. But no one knows so don't go saying anything at all OK, I'm counting on you."

I am know laying in my bed dwelling with my demons and all alone in here with a tearstained face

{so yup idek}