If Only

Chapter 13- Sudden Hate and Love

Taylor's Point of View

Today was the day. It was the day I would be going back home.

Staying with my grandmother was ok and all, but I'd much rather be home. Which is why when I had stepped out of the car, I had run up to my front door and kissed it. I let myself in and ran all through the house, then I sprinted up to my room and flopped down on the bed, my bed. I hugged a pillow to myself ferociously. Even through I had only been away for 3 months, it felt like it had been years. I wanted to scream and kick my feet and drive all of my really fast cars, but the court had suspended my license. I saw my phone sitting on my bedside table and picked it up. I hadn't taken it with me to Ohio because my father wouldn't let me. He said I just needed to be away from everything for a little while. I picked it up and expected a whole bunch of missed phone calls and text messages, but there were none.

I was kind of unnerved by the fact that no one, none of my friends had tried to contact me when I was away. There was nothing. There was, however, a sharp knock on my door that made me jump and drop my phone. "Come in!" I screamed maybe a little to loud, but it felt good to flex my vocals.

Vanessa walked in. I smiled at her because I was even happy to see her too for some reason. She smiled back at me instantly. "Hey hun, there is someone here to see you."

I jumped up and tried to look past her. She pushed the door open more and I saw Matt standing there. I froze as my heart twisted and cringed. Vanessa walked away leaving the two of us standing there staring at each other.

Matt had changed, his hair was longer and he seemed different, like a college student. Sophisticated and intelligent. He had lost his boyishness and now he just seemed grown up and mature. Like he was no longer the kid who second guessed his sexuality. He was wearing the same clothes though. Tan cargo beach shorts an a galaxy tanktop. I ran my fingers through my hair nervously.

My hair was short now because my grandmother wouldn't allow a 'hoodlum with long hair' in her house. So we had sat out side on that first day and she had given me a hair cut. But, now I had figured out that it looked better with gel in it so every morning I spiked it up.

Matt nodded at me. "Taylor. How are you?"

I nodded right back. "I'm... Ok." I admitted. Why is Matt doing this to me? Treating me like I was some kind of stranger and not his bestfriend. But I guess a lot had changed since I left. We stood there staring at each other. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say or do because this wasn't the old Matt, this was a new one. A Matt with a scar on his elbow, a Matt who had scars coving his knees and one big one slicing across his shin. "Um," I swallowed hard. "Sit down?" I kicked a beanbag over to his feet but he went for the computer chair. Every step he took there was a limp to it. Every step he took my heart tore a little bit and I winced, flinched and cringed until he finally sat down.

"1 month in a wheelchair and 2 months on a cane. 2 weeks in a hospital bed." Matt said looking at his hands. I was still. What was I supposed to say to that?

"Matt..."

"Thanks Taylor." He cut me off which I was thankful for because I had no idea where I was going with that. "Thanks for helping me figure out who I am, making me realize what I am." My heart was racing and I had no idea what he was going to say next. "Thanks for making me really appreciate my life. For almost killing me twice."

"Twice?" My heart dropped. It was already in tons of pieces, so the only thing for it to do was to fall. I was confused, we were only in one car accident.

"Yeah, twice. Once in a car, then another when I found out that you had left me without even saying goodbye." He said.

I stopped fidgeting because shit just got real. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I didn't even want to look at him. I felt utterly pathetic. "They weren't allowing visitors at the time." I whispered kicking my feet at the dust.

"Not even a text or a phone call. You could have even fucking telegrammed me! Anything for me to know that you were alive and ok." Matt said. He wasn't yelling, just oddly calm.

"I didn't have my phone." Man, I was just full of excuses.

"You should have found a way. Did I even cross your mind once when you were gone? Or was I just a phase for you?" He said angrily.

To be honest, Matt had crossed my mind every single day I was away. He was honestly the reason I had stayed alive when things were hard in Ohio. But I couldn't help but feel a rage slide up my throat, and I couldn't stop it when it came out. "Uh, don't forget, Matthew, you weren't the only one who suffered from this accident. I was sent to Ohio, my license was suspended for one whole year, I have to attend alcoholic classes two times a week, I have to go to a therapist once a week and tell her about all my problems. All my problem which include, all the friends I thought I had. All the people who never tried to contact me, ever. And I even had to tell her about this boy who I think stole my heart, but I was too afraid to admit it because I don't want to face the ugly truth or reality, I don't want to be judged or singled out as different. So I'm hiding my emotions and forgetting that they ever even happened. Because thats easier than telling everyone about what happened this summer. And besides, if you really cared, you would have contacted me, so I don't want to hear it." I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at Matt. It was his turn to squrim, it was his turn to feel guilty.

"Physical therapy, everyday for 7 weeks in a row. Coming home exhausted and sore, taking 5 different kinds of medicine everyday just so I don't have to feel the pain. But they left out anti-depressants, so I still felt the pain that you were causing me in my head. I wasn't physically capable of writing. I wasn't physically capable of anything." He said, then stood up. "But I was emotionally capable of feeling love and lost, longing and hurt, desperation and loneliness, and finally hate." Matt walked across to the door and stopped in the middle of it. "And by the way, it was Shawn's child all along. But, I suspected you knew that." I opened my mouth to snap at him, but he was already to far away. I gave him credit though, he was pretty fast moving for a guy who couldn't use his legs properly for 2 months.

I wanted to chase him, I wanted to stop him and tell him how I felt for once. Fuck it, I'm gonna.

"Matt, MATT" I screamed because this need to be said. I saw the shadow of his face return and look at me. I lost it. I couldn't think. I couldn't remember what I was going to say to him, it was just lost. "Matt, in a perfect world" I said slowly not sure where I was taking this. "We could be right. We could be together, if only that world existed. My feelings for you would be right. Matt the truth is, I fucking love you, okay? And, I don't care if it takes a thousand apologies for you to understand how sorry I am, I will apologize every single day if I have to. When I was in Ohio, nothing was the same. There wasn't a moment I wasn't thinking about you. Thinking about what I was going to say to you when I saw you. Matt I just... If only I knew how you felt because I feel the same way too. I went to Ohio to recover from the accident AND the feelings that I had developed for you. When I came back, it turns out only one of those two things actually healed, and it wasn't the feelings. I don't really know how to say it but, I love you, really. And I believe that we will get through this and we are going too. But in order for it to happen, we need to do it together. Got it?"

Matt stood there in the doorway, his eyes looked glassy and distant and he stood there swaying on his uneven legs. Then, he nodded. "Hokay." He stepped into my room again. "I never stopped loving you Taylor. And, I trust you, even if I shouldn't, I do. I believe you, we will get through this. It's taken me longer than it should have to say this but I love you. And I'll be here every step of the way. But, will you?"

I stood up and took his hands. "I'm not going anywhere."

Then naturally we started to lean in and I felt his lips on mine and I felt like I was finally home. Although a lot of things had changed about Matt, I was thankful his lips weren't one of them. If I only had to choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be Matt. He was perfect and understood me, he let me be myself and still thought I was cool. He trusted me and believed in me like no one else had and for that, I loved him.