lmao I'm just giving up on titling
to much work
i got my laptop now
anyway
so i guess its time for me to talk about my issues?
i mean i guess theyre not issues, just things i want to sAY about my life
k so..
first it is fucking freezing in my house
like honestly
because we cant figure out how to make the thermostat work
so we've just been staying in the same room
and put all the space heaters in that room
but I'm not in that room anymore
because once again
i don't really want anyone that i know in real life knowing about this
it would scare me if anyone found out
it makes me want to cry
but oh well
(this episode in this show i watch is about to get really sad o no)
next problem
k so as i said before
I'm questioning my sexuality
and only one person knows about it
because they like their same gender and I'm good friends with them
so i asked them for advice
and the sad thing is i might have a thing for that person
but they are in a relationship
and its really sad because i don't even know if this is what it feels like to have a really good friend or to like someone
(this is why i don't like explaining my emotions to people)
it kinda makes me sick because its so confusing and complicated
rn i kinda wanna vomit idk why
or maybe its the temp or something
i mean this makes me feel sick but not that sick
my hands are kinda shaky rn
ok then
but idk i feel a bit scared about it
or a lot scared idk
i just
i think i like this person
is this called mixed feelings?
or is this me being desperate and wanting some type nof crush or something to be interesting but then not telling anyone about it because i don't want to(that didn't make sense)
or is this called having a good/best friend
its not like ive never had good friends before
ive just never really liked someone before(besides bts theyre great(yes I'm an army deal with it(but idk if that counts as liking(maybe just attraction but also liking theyre personalities?(i read theyre fanfics))))) and I'm very inexperienced and ive been kinda sheltered from they real word until last year (and its scary)
and my previous relationships with people....idk
i guess there wasn't a lot of trust and they felt awkward
i have some trust issues cuz i guess I'm kinda insecure
and this relationship...
i mean there is obviously more trust than my other relationships
i told them i was questioning my sexuality for crying out loud
and now I'm just kinda questioning everything
and its making me feel sick
i guess that's why I'm writing this
to get this all out of me
its a bit of a burden and recently its been making me feel really upset and its been affecting me and i don't like it one bit
it makes me so upset and mad and ill want to cry(i don't cry often) and it scares me
it comes in like flashes or waves and my mood is just
awful
ill just feel so sad and lonely
and depressed
(at first i didn't want to say depressed because i don't have depression or anything and i figured that might be offensive to someone who actually does have depression and i am so sorry if i have offended anyone since i really have no idea what depression is like and its probably so much worse than i just made it seem and i am so so sorry)
and tbh it makes me sick beause then it doesn't take much for me to be my normal self again(I'm usually such a happy person)
for example
my friend that i really look up to told me something that not many people knew and i felt just fine again
i guess it made e so happy that they cared about me enough to tell me that just to make me feel better
or maybe because they trusted me enough to do that idk
but i was fine
and it makes me worried because maybe I'm somehow unconsciously doing this for attention?
i honestly don't fucking know if that made any sense
it doesn't make sense to me either
and now I'm crying and i don't know why
ok its been a few minutes and i thought someone was gonna come downstairs to check on me so iwiped away my tears and now I'm not crying anymore so i think I'm fine
