A Thousand Words

What Am I Here For?

What Am I Here For?
March 10, 2016

Sometimes I could ask myself this question, "What am I here for anyway?" Every time I ask this, I get no specific answer. They say God created us with purposes. I haven't known that purpose yet. I think I'm so worthless all the time. It's better for me to die than to live. It would be better if I rot to death. No one cares for me anyway. Of course, God cares for me. I must not say that no one cares for me. I have God with me but I lost faith from time to time. I always need reminders. Do you wanna know who's the love of my life? It's Him. I don't have a boyfriend since birth and I bet He thinks I don't need one because I have Him.

I feel guilty whenever I have suicidal thoughts. It seems I totally forget God. You know, I never fail to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. I never fail to do that always. I never learn. When will I learn? When will I stop being suicidal?

I have these other questions in mind.

Why am I alive? I only suffer from living. I could see people having good lives and could get anything they want. They are rich while I'm destitute. I couldn't get a better life then why live?

Why am I suffering? It's hard to live life with nothing. I need to work so I can eat. I need to eat so I can live. I need to live so I can experience suffering. Suffering is part of my life. It makes me weak but most of the time makes me strong. Due to suffering, I could think of suicide. Who likes to encounter this? You? Well, not me. It seems like I get used to this.

Luckily, I've got answers to these questions which I found from pondering things out.

Why am I alive? I'm alive to experience life and be happy without earthly possessions. Please don't think that I'm unsatisfied with what I have. Actually, I'm satisfied. It's just that because of inequality. There are poor and rich ones. I know life isn't about money, possessions, and fame. In fact, they are just temporary things that we can't bring to our graves. Having a relationship with God is better than having everything but still not contented, ungrateful, and unhappy.

Why am I suffering? I'm suffering because God is testing me, my faith! No matter how destitute I am, if I have Him in my life it's the greatest thing. I need to work because it's part of living. I need to work for God to help me improve the way I live. If I don't work, I will starve to death. If I starve to death, I won't be able to find out my purpose on Earth. I'm too old to think that life is about money. Life isn't about it. It's about living with it without being greedy and selfish. No matter how poor I am, I can share something with people who are more less-fortunate than me. Life is about living doing good things. I believe I can donate to a charity with what I have. It may not be money but I can give the things which I don't need anymore rather than throwing them.

All of us die. No one is exempted. How great is it to die with a good heart? How wonderful is it to die doing the things you like without stepping on someone's dignity? How lucky is it to die after knowing your purpose of living and doing it to help others?

How about you? What are you here for anyway?

Yuchae Moon