An Inconvenient Child

The Meeting that changed everything

In April of 2017 I flew to Bristol to go meet her for the first time. It felt like I was going home, it felt natural and just so right. When I landed at the airport and Tracy came to meet me there was no huge outpouring of emotions. No screaming and jumping about like on television, truth be known we'd already done that over the phone. This was really just confirmation that what we felt, the bond we had fed and grew between us was real and that nothing would break it ever again. I arrived at the pickup point at Bristol airport and it hit me. I didn't really know what she looked like. Much like myself tracy does not like pictures of herself, and the only ones I have are blurry older pictures. All I knew was it was a blur car and a blonde woman. The area was crowded and busy with people coming and going. Cars, minibuses all racing about. Through the crowd, at the back of it all was a blue car. With a blond woman leaning against it smirking at this lost soul. I stood transfixed for a moment as I tried to take her in. It was her! She was looking right at me! I quickened my pace and approached. I said "Hello sis?" She just ran forward to me and hugged and we just stood there.

This was all new to me. A whirlwind of excitement and wonder. For my sister it was different. She was 2 years old when she last saw me. She remembered me and had always grown up knowing i was out there. She spent 16 years looking for me off and on. When she contacted the adoption agency she was told that the note on my file said I didn't want to be found. - Nobody ever asked me! In her mind she was determined to find me and despite the crippling fear of being rejected, she wanted to hear me say it and to know I was ok.

Tracy and I spent the weekend I was down looking over court papers and going over the events that had shaped our lives. I was taken into care at 10 months old, Tracy being two years older could remember me and events that had happened to us. This was a gift I was spared as I was too young to remember anything. I felt like i was cheating her. I felt like I had let her down by not remembering her or anything about that time. She showed me pictures of our biological father and mother and I don't know if there was a resemblance or if i just imagined it. I learned I was being violently shaken and my father "Billy" had openly screamed at my birth mother "Ella" that I was not his. Looking at our childhood pictures there was no argument about it. We were full blood siblings.

While we were only chatting on facebook I also learned that Ella met someone else and had two more children, naimly my half brother Garry and half sister Heather.

Why keep them and not me?

Why was I not good enough but they were?

The anger and hurt swelled within me and I could tell my sister felt the same but it had be different for her as she had lived with this for so long where I was just finding out about it.

My mother Ella was still on facebook and we got talking. I think I just said hello. I mean what the hell do you say after 41 years? It was all I could think of as the fear gripped me and my heart raced. It was strange, although there was no sign of a loving reunion like a Hollywood movie I also realised that she didn't need to be here for us. Indeed I have heard from so many other tracking their loved ones down only to be greeted with rejection. It's hard to say what I even felt as emotions were all over the place.

My half brother Garry was on Facebook too, so we got talking and i arranged to meet him. Although he's mainly busy with family and work and has little time to dedicate to meeting up but at least he's still up for it. The first time we met up we could tell the other was looking for some sign of himself in the other. When we realised this we both laughed and it help to break the ice. I learned that both he and Heather had always known of me and Tracy and thought of us as the lucky ones as we got away! This was something that would jar me. I never thought of this from another viewpoint as I had until now only ever thought of this from my own selfish viewpoint. I now felt silly and embarrassed though I kept such feelings to myself.

Garry Struggled with drugs when he was younger and before the meeting I had seen the award winning documentary he had filmed. This man before me was lucid, witty and had such a sparkle about him it's like the documentary was an impersonator. He fought his way back and carved his own way on the world. I told him both Tracy and I were proud of him not for the films he makes or anything superficial like that but for the man he had become. I could see in his eyes and the look on his face that he was embarrassed about this and unsure on how to best react. But I felt it had to be said. Sitting before him I felt so inadequate almost like a fraud. I wanted to let him know had I known of him, of the struggles he had gone though I would have been by his side. I would have helped him and done something. But I could not find the words perhaps one day. My sister Heather was next to meet up with me. Such a delightful person I was so lifted by her. She shared some of her troubles and stories that I will not tell here as that is hers and hers alone to tell if she should want to. Again I found myself filled with feelings of inadequacy and regret that I was not around to help, protect her from this. I had a sorrow and regret that I was not around to protect or look after any of my siblings, Tracy included. Heather has since decided not to speak to me. I don't know why or what I could do to change this but I must respect her wishes and just be here for when or if she comes around.

Some people would be sad about family not wanting to talk but you must go into things like this expecting both the good and bad. My thoughts are this: Essentially it boils down to this. For whatever reason you were adopted out, for your own good or the convenience of your birth parents. Introducing yourself into their lives again and by doing so you reopen the wounds of that time they may have been trying to hide or not want to revisit. You really are injecting yourself back into their lives. It's a terribly tricky situation and needs so much tact, timing, and above all patience.