An Inconvenient Child

Meeting Mum

I met up with my birth mother earlier in 2017 also. On the lead up to this I has so many questions and so many conflicting feelings. The anger I had held and that had fueled me for so long was still there in part but meeting my younger brother and hearing his story and his views on life had quenched most of it. My sister Tracy had also answered most of the questions that I had that needed answering. When I visited just reading the black and white court papers and the testimonies from medical people hit hard.

But like my brother said, I can't go back and change things nor will it make it better so holding onto the past (especially one like mine) will only hurt and destroy any chance I have of a future. Both my sister and I are still in pain in many ways and now we have each other we can turn to the other when we need to. We understand what was have had done to us, and we alone understand the pain and damage that was inflicted. We won't ever judge each other only love and support.

When I met Ella, my birth mother in Edinburgh I was nervous in a way I had not experienced before. When I first seen her I instantly seen something of myself in her especially the hair and eyes. She told me her part of my past, the hows and why were all difference but the outcome would be the same. She looked at me in disbelief and told me of how nervous she was and didn't know what she was going to say to me. I told her we could only live in the present and nothing will change the past. She talked briefly about my half brothers and sisters, I got the impression she held back, not sure why I put it down to nerves and not wanting to give too much into all at once. All the while she talked I just kept thinking about her. This woman before me gave birth to me, she was also the one who was to look after me, to love me, to keep me safe. Yet she did not. I wanted to feel anger to not like her. All I saw was a woman who was filled with regret and wasn't happy and was trying to live with what had been. No I could not bring myself to hate her. Or to like her. I tried to tell myself it was because she meant nothing to me, or that I was the better person. I think deep down inside I just didn't have it in me to like or hate her. Truth is I was numb. I thought I had prepared for this moment but frankly I don't think anything could. She had come into my life and as quickly as she had entered she left. I'll keep in contact with her but I'm still fighting my feelings and still don't know what if anything I still feel. I can't deny I do have some kind of connection to her. And more to the point she's willing to connect with me. In a message just last night/early morning (19/6/17) she signed off with "Love you" THIS really surprised me and made me realise that I have been given a chance to get to know the woman who gave birth to me. And I would be stupid to throw it away like a childish tantrum.

While I was with Tracy we went over the effects of adoption and what tracy and I went through. Seems we both have varying degrees of separation anxiety, this makes sense. I was pretty much left to my own devices growing up and passed from relative to family friend. It is unknown if I was abused by them but one can imagine. When I was put into care I was 10 months old but I was not actually adopted until I was 2 years old. When the I was in foster care with a family called the bathgates I was found to be "Mentally undeveloped" so by this I guess I was shoved in a corner of the room and forgotten about most of the time.

Everyone leaves and people move on. It's the way of things and a simple fact of life. But if you add separation anxiety, into the mix then you have a whole different affair altogether. People moving on becomes an act of betrayal, another knife in the back that you have experienced your whole life one after the other. You become so bitter and suspicious of everyone you end up being utterly distrustful and lashing out at the wrong times. Such an example of this could be, I sent a txt to Tracy and got no answer. I sent another still no answer. After the third I decided she must have had enough of me and that she too like so many before her like my mother and father, had decided to ignore me because i just wasn't worth it. The whole agony of rejection and loss fills my brain and my natural defence mechanism is to lash out. - But no she had simply fell asleep on the sofa, but in my state of mind I had jumped to an already painfully familiar conclusion. From time to time we both exhibit similar behavioural traits, fears and behaviors. But the one thing I know for sure is no matter what happens, whatever unfolds I know she will be there for me, and even now as I write this we have comforted each other and helped the other through some dark moments. Don't get me wrong we have fell out multiple times, we've mouthed off and so on. But i'm her brother and she's my sister and come hell or high water we'll be there for each other when it matters and nothing and nobody will stop us.