An Inconvenient Child

The Others

I was found by my sister after 40 years apart. I chronicalled this here, little did I know what I had lying in store for me. In the process of trying to find our dad we looked for marriage or death certificates and we found a marriage certificates for him. We were also able to find out he had 2 children a boy called Andrew Clark, and a girl called Lesley Clark. The thought of having more brothers and sisters had honestly never occured to me, and my sister Tracy and I started looking for them. On Facebook we joined groups for Newcastle and asked around for any help. we even resorted to simply messaging people of the same names from that region in a frantic attempt to trace them.

Through all of this the same thoughts haunted me time and time again. Will they accept me?

Will they even want to know the truth? Do they know about what kind of a man my father was? Do they need us to be there for them?

In the past I was unable to be there for my half sister Heather, or my half brother Gary. But what if i had? Would things have been different? It's not my fault, I never knew they existed! But this fact does not alleviate the sense of guilt I carry with me to this day. Nor could I have been there for Tracy for exactly the same reason. I often reflect on this and how I failed them all as a brother, one day I will find a way to repay them, One day, somehow. But this was different, this time I knew of them. But I still had the fear of them rejecting me, or simply not wanting me to be a part of their lives. This was something that was out of my control, something I had no way of being able to see or could avoid. But I knew in my heart they were part of me, my own flesh and blood.

We had thought we'd gotten close so many times only to have our hopes dashed time and time again. We had a promising lead so I was out playing a gig with my band and the venue was not mobile signal friendly. So when I got out I got a message from Tracy asking to talk! I quickly checked the Facebook profile of our suspected brother and found Tracy as a mutual friend! I messaged him....told them I was Tracy's brother he replied he was our baby brother.

I can't describe how this felt. And my sister Lesley simply messaged me with "..Hello big bro..." To say my heart skipped is an understatement. Both of them were so happy and accepting of us instantly. Both are amazing people so full of love and life, something I myself feel in short supply of at times. I promised them I'll always be there for them to come to, to comfort them and laugh with them.

I have gotten to know Andrew better including his wife over the course of a year. Andrew and I both look alike and have similar if not almost identical personalities. Even his wife jokes we're freaks! We have met up twice since and have even been on holiday with them. Lesley does have her personal issues and we speak but not as much as I'd like. But part of all this is establishing boundaries and forging new relationships, so what will be will be. I know writing this I am so lucky. Not many people in my or similar positions can say they are as lucky as I am.