It's Always So

6

Lance wasn't special. He had been just like the other rookies, who questioned why they couldn't find different ways to handle the situation, why he had to be in this specific group, why he couldn't be part of the other, less horrifying squads. It was all muddled for Lance during his first few weeks, and it was only after Aslan exploded in exasperation that he understood.

"You already signed all the confirmation letters—all the confidentiality bullshit, made a deal with this horrid fucking government, and you're asking me why you have to be stuck here?" Aslan nearly yelled, and Lance, at that point, was afraid of him. He hadn't known Aslan enough to understand his motives.

They were outside, supposedly resting around a campfire after one of their biggest massacres. Aslan looked like a monster in the fire's light, especially when it was just the two of them, the others already gone to sleep back at their cabins.

"Do you know why I forced you to kill? Or forced you to stay? Either you had to learn how to kill people, or you would have been killed. I don't know if you read those letters, but those sneaky little bastards made it so that when you signed, it was like you gave your entire fucking soul to them. You already failed the intelligence test, so you had nowhere else to transfer to. This is the lowest squad, and if you couldn't do even this, they would have killed you for knowing too much," Aslan paused, before running a hand over his face, sighing, as if knowing that he was saying too much and showing too much, but he was past the point of no return. "Your family gets some hefty money in return for your service, yeah, but it's more like they're selling you off as a slave. They'll never see you again, until this epidemic is done. Which is highly unlikely."

Lance didn't know most of this, and it was like a slap in the face. This entire time he thought Aslan had decided to keep him in this group to torture him, or some other messed up reason. He didn't know that it was because his own life was on the line.

"I... I didn't know," Lance murmured, and when Aslan gave him a pitying smile, the fire's shadows flickering over his face, Lance's view of his general changed entirely.

"They all don't know," Aslan stated, "They think I'm some kind of monster, and I'd rather it stay that way, if it means they'll suffer any less. If they knew that it was all their choice, their fault, that they were in this situation, I don't think I'd have many soldiers left." Aslan was bitter, and he was sad, and Lance didn't know what to do with this new feeling of admiration and fear that was growing in his heart. "But I accidentally told you, and I'm sorry for that."

"No—it's... You shouldn't have to shoulder these burdens all by yourself," Lance spoke, "It isn't fair."

Aslan laughed sourly, hand ruffling his own hair, "Oh it's fair. After all the people I've killed, no matter if they were going to suffer anyway, I deserve at least this much."

That was when Lance started picking up on the little things Aslan did. Like how he'd be the only one killing babies and kids, how he'd yell at his soldiers for wanting to leave this place, his small acts of vandalism—carving tiny symbols with the meaning of hope into the walls and cars of every town they destroyed—and those were the same days that he started sneaking to Aslan's room, where he found him with his revolver.

He suddenly had an immense urge to save Aslan from this place, even when he, too, was caged and wingless.

-

i hope y'all are starting to kind of understand yehe