I could tell he was trying to cheer me up...but it didn't seem to be working this time.
I followed his lead, adding any advice I had to the conversation, but there wasn't much to say, Dimitri covered almost everything. Though Rose was special like me, I had reservations about sharing all my secrets with her, especially since I barely even knew her.I guess you could say I was jealous, feelings I'm sure everyone except Strigoi could feel. Strigoi couldn't really feel much, I mean if you were undead, you probably wouldn't either, probably.
Training went by pretty quickly and I found myself tiring of something so mundane, but I knew that this was now my duty and I had to stand by it no matter how I felt about it. They came first. They always came first. From the day I was born it was drummed into me. The Moroi were everything. They meant everything. We were expendable, replaceable, but them, especially the royal families, were not. They were like a precious commodity, priceless, irreplaceable. It was my duty now to pass on what I knew to the next generation of Dhampirs, to make sure they performed at an acceptable level, to preprare them for the "real world."
I sighed as I followed Rose and Dimitri down to the dining hall. I was really hungry for once in two months. I thought about Alexander again and decided that I wasn't going to let him be my weakness anymore, I wasn't going to let him pull me into depression, I was going to make him my strength. He would be my inspiration for fighting back, fighting stronger and harder.
I smiled a little and skipped to catch up with Rose and Dimitri. Dimitri immediately noticed that I'd become happier and I could feel a weight lifting off his shoulders and his heart, his face told me all that.
"Dimka, smile, it suits you. Sometimes you have to let your heart go, but not to her," I stated in Russian.
"What's wrong with her?" demanded Dimitri in Russian.
"We'll talk later," I said dismissively.
"Mira, I'm your older brother, you will not speak to me this way, do you understand?" Dimitri commanded in Russian.
I was shocked. Dimitri had never ordered me to do anything, ever! He was so different and my heart ached that he had changed so much. I knew it was wrong of me to speak to him in the tone I had used, but he still hurt me. I had let him hurt me. I rose so high and let me push myself off the edge. I knew better than that, but I still let him do it to me. My heart sank again. And I shook my head, tears slowly welling up in my eyes.
"I'm sorry Dimka...I...I'm not feeling--I'm not hungry," I whispered, "Good night. I'll see you later on our guard shift, Guardian Belikov."
I slipped away without another word. I was excessively moody lately and I couldn't really explain why. I never used to be this way, I didn't like it. I would have to work on it. I heard Dimitri turn towards me as I was walking away, but he made no effort to pursue me.
I went up to my dorm and cried. Just cried. Like I used to. When I was a child. For Heaven's sake, I still was a child.
After I had enough of crying, I sat by the window, watching the still night. I saw the Moroi students wandering across the grounds, smiling and laughing with their friends. My duty had taken me away from that nonsense when I was very young. I never felt what it was like to love, to laugh, to feel, until I had met Alexander. He was the kind of guy who made you feel special, the kind of guy who made you feel like he understood you when no one else did, someone to be trusted. He was the kind of person who gave you a reason to live, something to live for. He showed me what true passion felt like.
I had long lost trust in the living. Only the dead, who could not speak, would hold my secrets. And secrets, I had plenty of, plenty of things I didn't want anyone to know. I knew that those who knew either wouldn't tell or were dead, so I was pretty much safe.
