Black Smoke

Redefining Time

I found myself sitting against the bathroom wall. Nothing was said for a few minutes. All we could do while getting our bearings together was panic on the inside in complete silence. You know the feeling you get when you make a mistake or life-altering decision, and now you're stuck wishing you could go back in time and redo it? You may even wish you could see the future to prevent it from happening. I felt stuck there. Purgatory. Confined. Secluded. 

There was no easy way out of this. This was the most bottomless pit of hell I could've put myself in.

"You don't think we-"

"I don't know," she answered quickly. "I don't remember. I thought I was sober enough." She held her head in her hands. "I would remember-"

"But you don't!" I spat, not thinking. "And I don't either! I don't remember at all!"

I quickly stood and reached for my clothes that were sprawled out all over the floor, starting with my pants.

"Where are you going?" She asked, reaching out. "Zay, we need to talk about this! I need you to talk to me about this!"
 I stepped back, antsy. "There's nothing to talk about! I need to...I don't know. I need to go home. Or somewhere. Anywhere." I ran a hand through my hair and picked up my shirt. "I need to think. I need to give you some space. You need space. We need to think."

"Why? I'm not asking you to give me space! I don't want it!" She stood in her bed sheets, covering herself, but I held out a hand to stop her.
"No! No, please don't. I need to. You may not know it now, but you don't want me in this room. I'm not the person to talk to about this! I can't process anything right now." 

She ignored my words and took hold of my hand. "Zayden, this is serious! You can't just up and leave like it's going to disappear! We're talking about a possible-" 

"Child?" I chimed in. "A child. Out of all the things to talk about between the two of us that we haven't yet cleared up. Van, a child is the last thing we should be discussing. Your parents don't like me! I can barely take care of myself! I can't take care of a child. My father is borderline manic because of how he's been switching up on me lately. How the hell can we care for a living, breathing infant when we can't even bring ourselves to sit down for a civil conversation?" 

She shook her head despite my points made. "You're wrong, You're wrong! We can talk civilly if we wanted to! I can do that-" 

"Isn't that why you threw this little party to begin with? All the drinking, dancing, and the millions of guests you invited just to talk to me?" 

"I didn't-...I mean, I.." She couldn't find whatever words she was thinking of using. "How did you know about that?" 

"I heard the phone call you had with Ally last night. About not knowing how to deal with this. With me. Who the hell are we kidding, Van? We're a couple of high schoolers not knowing what we want, and if you wanted this? If you wanted to be with me? Why am I always getting the feeling I'm the one constantly having to chase you?" I waited for her to answer me—some logical reasoning behind everything I've felt all this time, absolutely played with. She'd been toying with me from the start. The second I brought her to my place, she tried to seduce me. She never once made any advancements in the entire time we went to the same school together. Her affection came out of the blue, and now? NOW we needed to talk about possibly becoming parents?

After she sat there in her thoughts, I snatched my shoes and headed out, slipping them on as I walked through a living room full of empty red cups, crushed beer cans, and hollow wine bottles. I wanted to stay. I tried to tell her maybe this was fate. Perhaps this was meant to happen, and we'd figure this out eventually.
But I couldn't. This was the last thing I needed.