Black Smoke

Therapy For A Degenerate

I hadn't realized how much the wind had picked up since I left Rico's. I had been so focused on Vanessa and her parents and the incident with Logan that it was hard to focus on my surroundings. On the way over to the alleyway, I almost got into a hit-and-run. Twice.

"Zay! Watch out, man! Trying to hurt yourself again?"

"I'm fine, Dante. Don't worry about it."

But he should have. I was worried enough that my mind was everywhere at once. Everywhere other than where it used to be, and that was in one place.
We made it to the alleyway about half an hour after leaving his place, and I constantly kept pacing the repetitive cycle of inhaling my beloved toxin and exhaling it into an alternate reality of myself. This was what it felt like to be me. A subtle walk with my favorite antidote tucked comfortably between my lips. I leaned against the brick wall and slid to the ground, familiar with my positioning even though it felt new to me after so long.

"So, what happened?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Not at him, but at myself.

"I was stupid."

"Stupid?"

I gave myself a moment to process what it was I wanted to say, moving the cigarette in my mouth up and down slightly with my teeth.
"I fell...and that's not something I'm used to doing. Not like that at least."

He became amused, smiling while taking a drag of his stick. "So? You fell. So did she, right? Wasn't that kind of the whole point of all this?"

I sighed. "That's not the point, man."

"No, it is the point. You just have to see it that way." He leaned his head back and glanced up into the sky, greyish clouds huddling together to block the way of the sunlight that had kept me warm for quite a while before turning its back on me. "Here's the thing, Zay, and I know you're not going to like hearing this, but it is the truth. You know it yourself that you felt something for her, right?"

I exhaled heavily, almost dropping my cigarette. "Wasn't it obvious? It was a new feeling, and I couldn't shake it." And it was the truth. He was right. I didn't like that he was right. "It was unfamiliar territory for me."

"And?"

"And that's why I didn't like it! It was different!" I stood up, taking a longer drag than before. The higher I began to feel stressed, the longer I inhaled. "This isn't what I do. It's not what I'm good at!"
He stood up, and only after doing so, he flicked his stick to the ground right in front of me. "You know, at some point, change is good. New is good."

"And how do you know it's good for me?"

"Because I'm tired of you blaming every damn thing on yourself!" He pulled my cigarette out of my mouth and threw it down into the cement as well, grinding it into the ground with his shoe.

"Hey!"

"Yes, this isn't you, but you know what? I'm tired of just standing by. I'm tired of not doing anything about it. It's time I did!"

I blew out any excess smoke I had in my mouth before leaning back against the wall behind me. I felt a lecture coming on, and I knew at any point, if it was going to be from him, it had to mean something.

"Ever since it hit you how impactful it was that your mother left, you've been stuck on this image of who you think you are. You know the saying everyone changes eventually? For better or worse? You know it, right?"

I nodded in response.

"When I say everyone, it means everyone. There is no in-between. You had this amazing change in progress and you just couldn't go through with it. I might add that you blew it, Zayden, and way out of proportion. So what if it was unfamiliar territory? It was new! That's what change is! It's exciting! It's a rush! It's what helps us find ourselves. Face it, Zay! We won't be staying like this for long, and you can't keep harping on the lowlights in your life. If you want to get out of the mud, you've gotta make the change!"