Black Smoke

Digging For The Roots

"Is there something I should know about?" My dad asked as we quickly pulled out of the driveway from IHop. "Did you forget something? You have your phone, right?"

"No, I didn't forget anything," I answered. "I just made a mistake leaving so quickly."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Mistake? What? Did you leave an open bottle in her fridge or?"

"Dad! Can we head over there before she leaves or something? Please?" I was going through it, eager and anxious to apologize for my behavior a few hours ago. It was such a terrible wake-up call, and I had been such an asshole with how I talked to her. In a way, I left her before I even left as a deadbeat parent, which is even lower than low.

He raised his free hand in defense of my sudden seriousness about the matter. "Okay, okay. We're going!"

I began to think of how I could apologize to Vanessa for leaving the way I did—for not even thinking about what I was doing the second I walked out of the front door. It was true what they say about life-changing moments. They make you see the world differently or even reveal your true intentions. Did that mean I was heavily against becoming a parent without realizing it?

"Did you want me to leave you there or?"

"Y-Yeah, uh. I figured it was rude of me not to help clean up around the house, you know?"

He eyed me weirdly. "Clean up? Boy, she's got you hooked, doesn't she?"

"Shut up." We arrived in front of her house, my dad grabbing my shoulder as I reached for the door handle. "What?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. I just wanted to say- well, you know." He shrugged, fiddling with whatever words he could find to finish his sentence. "Be safe. I love you."

I caught myself frozen for a solid second before snapping out of it. "Uh, yeah. You, too, dad. I'll be home soon." He drove off, and I raced to Vanessa's front door. Now wasn't the time to wonder what could've made my dad say something strange like that to me. I reached for the front door, and thankfully, it was open, even though that just proved it was also dangerous. I was ready to go up the stairs, barge into her door, and find her still in bed, balling her eyes out underneath the bed sheets. I had thought up a big apology to use in the small amount of time it took to get me here. I was also ready to be guilt-tripped into buying her as many things as she wanted or even be forced to go on another lunch date with her and her parents, but instead? Instead, she was in the living room, dressed in comfortable sleepwear, picking up the atrocious pigsty left by her late-night party guests. She stood, a bit surprised at my presence. Her nose was beet red, her eyes soaked from the crying she must've done when I left.

"Van."

"No," she said quickly. "No, not you. Get the hell out."

I can't say I wasn't expecting her to be a little hostile.

"Let me explain-"

"No!" She exclaimed, her eyes welling up with tears again at the sight of me. "I don't want to hear it! You had a chance to talk to me! You said you wanted to give me space, and now you turn around and change your mind? Fuck you. Get out!"

"If you just listen for a quick second. It's not like that! I was just-"

"Just what?" she asked, dropping the plastic bag of bottles and cups to the floor as she faced me. "Scared? Confused? Anxious? You don't think I felt the same way?" She grabbed a few red cups and crushed beer cans from the dining room table and threw them at me, mixed emotions of anger and heartbreak revealing themselves. "But you go off and leave me alone when I need you most of all! All the times I was there for you! I never left you at all, you piece of shit!" I backed off as many times as she stepped forward, repeatedly belting me in the upper body with plastic solo cups. I shielded my face, catching glimpses of her broken self as she scolded me. "Here I was, thinking this grand party would give us another chance at becoming something! Something I imagined! Something we both did! So I'm sorry if it was too much for you to bear! I'm not used to caring this much about someone! If I didn't care for you, I would've left with my parents when you met them!"