The Dirt Deity

Kusashio was a good man. He obeyed the law, he followed the rules but most important of all, he was hygienic. He was the type of person that cleaned up after himself, sometimes even going out of his way to wash his dirty peers. There was no one in the land of Garbagaia who could claim that Kusashio was not immaculate.

"Let them test me!" He would say, "You will find no dust in my house nor dirt on my shirt. I am practically immaculate." And so he was, but not everyone in Garbagaia was as clean as he. For years, people neglected Suragi's teachings. Suragi was the God of Dirt but since his name is impossible to pronounce, most of his devout followers refer to him as the Dirt Deity. Suragi was displeased with the people in his world and was having second thoughts of fixing it. "Hmmmmm," He thought aloud. "If I were to wipe all the dirty people off this earth with my divine mop, the earth would sustain damage as well but SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!"

"Why don't you cause a giant flood?" One of his faithful servants asked.

"Nah did that last time. I want to try something different, something grand, exciting and satisfying to watch."

"Fire?"

"Actually I was saving that as a backup for a special occasion. A last resort you might say." Suragi sat down on his cloud and thought hard. His divine servants did the same and the storms in the sky waited patiently, withholding their rain from the earth.

Just when there seemed to be no decision thunder shot out of Suragi's head and he jumped up. "I've got it!" He exclaimed. "I'll give the people of this earth one last chance to purify themselves before I whip out the Pine Sol and destroy this planet once and for all. If they do not repent and shower...THEY WILL KNOW MY WRATH!"

"Excellent idea O venerated one!" The servants cried. "But who shall deliver this message to the filthy inhabitants of the earth? Surely there must be one among them who shaves and bathes regularly."

"Indeed. I have someone in mind. His name is Kusashio and I have been watching him closely. You won't find dust in his house nor dirt on his shirt. He says he's practically immaculate but let's do a background check just to make sure. Bring me his D.R.R. (Daily Routine Records)." Suragi stretched himself out on a silver cloud while his divine servants read out Kusashio's daily routine.

"Let's see...It says here that he makes his bed." The servants confirmed.

"Not bad." Suragi said, pleased with his decision because he saw that it was good.

"He puts deodorant under his arms."

"I'm impressed."

"He uses a composter and recycling bin."

"Incredible!"

"And...Get this...He SHOWERS TWICE A DAY!" The servants were in awe.

"DAMNIT!" Suragi almost fell off his cloud in amazement, "He's good. No more...please I've heard enough. This man must be our messenger! Yes...our spotless harbinger. I will reveal myself to him and tell him of what he must do." And so off Suragi went, down through the clouds, flying through bushes and trees until he reached the home of Kusashio.

Meanwhile, Kusashio was in his bathroom just about to relieve himself when a voice spoke to him from the toilet. "Kusashioooooooooo..." It moaned.

"Father Mr. Clean have mercy! What in St. David Suzuki's name is this?" He frantically flushed the toilet but the face he saw would not flush. Slowly, as his adrenaline went down Kusashio realized that this unexpected guest was of divine nature. "Are you...Are you...the...the...the...uh...Are you the Dirt Deity?"