《cherish》 book 1

realization

re·al·i·za·tion
/ˌrē(ə)ləˈzāSH(ə)n/
noun
1.
an act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact

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I never thought my life would come down to this. If anything, I should be going to college next year, and getting a degree 8 years after that. Now, I'm not even sure if I will graduate Secondary School.

When I first found out about my condition, I was horrified. I didn't even know what it was, just the name of it scared me nearly to death. Having ASF was very popular in China and other Asian countries. My father died from it, so why couldn't have I gotten it instead?

I know that this is a deadly disease, and it shouldn't be taken lightly, but I would much rather die immediately than suffer over an amount of time, not positive when it will be all over.

My doctors told me that I have a 33% chance of living, and if it's not cured, which I most likely won't be, it will go down to 4.67% before the next 2 years.

At least I'm being released soon. I've been cooped up in here for 14 days. In this weird gown that feels like a trash bag. Eating the cardboard food that they serve. Don't even get me started on the showers. I understand that the hospital must be very clean, but I don't understand how they can forget about the bathrooms. The vomit stains and smells linger when you're in there and even when you leave.

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I wish I was still in the hospital.

I wish I was still having to shower in the puke hole. I wish I still had to wear the bags and eat the cardboard. I wish I had to feel my wrist go freezing cold on the inside and out when they fill my veins with cold ass water to keep me from dehydration.

I was happy when I was told I was going to be allowed to go back home, but I forgot about the number one component of returning back to my normal life, school.

Maylan Secondary School, one of the top schools in all of Shanghai, but that's only in education. The people here act like there was just a dead rat shoved down their throat, they are a part of a drama, or school is  simply just for talking with friends. Me? I go to school to make my family proud. Pass all my classes, make the teachers happy, graduate, go to college, graduate college, get a good job, and live my life, but I'm not sure if I will even live to graduation.

"Ying's back."

"She's been gone for so long."

"She is going to have so much work to do."

"She is going to do it though, she's a perfect student."

They act like I can't hear them. Their whispers are louder than the already silent classroom, and they are sitting right beside me, so of course I can hear them.

"Wang Xiuying. You're finally back!" I was knocked out of my train of thought when I heard his voice. "Do this for me will you?"

Douche.

A book was thrown on my desk, and when I opened it, it was empty.

There's no way in hell I'll do this for this jerk.

"Sorry Wei, I already have enough stuff on my plate for when I get home." I reply tossing his book back to him.

I watch as he catches it with a surprised look on his face. Why is he this way? I've never done his work in the past and I never will in the future. It shouldn't come as a shock, he's just too dumb to realize it.

"Xiuying! Are you sick or something? Why don't you ever do my work for me?" He asks grumpily pulling his chair out from under his desk.

I freeze. There's no way he knows. He can't know. Only my family is aware that I'm sick. I look down and play with my cuticles to avoid his gaze.

He waves a hand in front of my face, "Xiuying? Are you deaf or something?"

"Leave me alone, jerk," My voice cracks and I internally scream at myself.

He shrugs and turns towards Fang, his current lover, or I would call it, toy.

I turn my head and watch the warm-colored leaves soar past the window. My grandmother used to collect different colored leaves. Nobody in my family knows why. There are many theories, but we are unsure if they are true. My guess is that it had something to do with her meeting my grandfather, who then became the love of her life for the 67 years after that. Death really did them apart. It was sad at first, but their spirits are now one with nature, and they can freely live their dreams in peace.

I wish that's how it would go when I die. I wish when I pass I don't have to live the rest of my dreams because they have already been accomplished, so in the amount of time that I have left, I will accomplish those dreams. Even if I have to go to the end of the world to do so.

Because cancer won't stop me from living my best life. Even if it spreads from my blood to my organs and shuts them down, I will give it my all.

But the sickness isn't what killed me.

It was the realization that I am not going to be able to complete anything.

It was the thought that lingered in my own mind that created a new sickness that's even deadlier than Leukemia.

It was me.

I ended it all without even knowing it.

Because I'm just simply existing in this living hell.

And when I realized that,

it was only the beginning of my death.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

thank you for reading the first chapter of my new story: cherish
It took a lot of courage for me to begin writing this story because I in fact, was recently told that I have my own case of Leukemia.
At first, I wasn't taking it very well, and neither were my own parents, butI opened up to my friends and they boosted my spirits, making me a whole lot better.

I'd like to thank the person who helped me express my feelings the most. Other than my family, she was the first person who knew, and the first person I told.
incompetentpotato
Thanks a million love. Without you I might have never opened up to the people in my life. You are truly one of the most caring people I have ever known in this world.

lots of love,
Lisa 💞