Walls

Chapter 5 - Tears

Sarah

I woke with a start, the anchor of sleep dragging on me. Sitting up, I looked around the dark room trying to figure out what had woken me. I glanced down at Peter, who was snoring slightly, cocooned in his sleeping bag on the floor. From that picture I deduced that it wasn't him that had dragged me from my slumber.

Of course it wasn't him, he's asleep. The annoying little voice in the back of my mind commented. Well thanks, I can see that. I replied sarcastically.

See this is what happens when people disturb my sleep: I start replying to my own thoughts. I sighed dramatically, flopping back on my bed.

My mind slowly drifted back to what I had seen earlier; I had been on my way to bed, walking as quietly as possible so I didn't wake the Galvans, when a movement had caught my eye. I had stopped, curious as to why someone was opening the bathroom door as if they were a spy in enemy territory. A moment later Ray stepped into view.

He was scowling, as usual, but as he walked silently back to Peter's room the light caught his features. I didn't approach him, I knew he would deny everything, but in that moment I think I glimpsed the real him, it was in his eyes. The pain, the vulnerability. Biting my lip I had to resist the urge to go and hug him as I noticed the tear stains on his cheeks, and again asked why it had to be Henry and Anna in that crash. Why there had to be a crash at all.

I had only really known Ray for a couple of hours but I could already tell that he wouldn't want my pity. I didn't think he was as bad as he was making out, it was just an act. He's probably just scared and hurting, I realised.

I frowned as I thought about it, he was probably affected with the same belief that all men seemed to have: that they are not allowed to cry, to show emotion. They all seem to think that they have to be strong all the time and that showing emotions makes them weak.

Well that's just a load of crap. It is part of the sexist stereotype, and I really hate stereotypes. It's the same as judging. In my opinion anyway.

Showing emotion proves you have a heart, it's not good to hide it. That is how people get depressed. I understand when people want to be strong for someone, but saying you're ok when you're not is lying. It's just b-What was that?

I waited for the noise to reach me again as I leant against my headboard, legs tangled in the duvet. It seemed to be coming through the wall. That's when I realised what it was....crying. My room was next to Peter's.

I listened for a second longer to determine who it was, it wasn't hard to recognise the crocodile-tear sobbing that belonged to Mat. Thinking about it he's probably the only one who could have woken me up with his crying, the other two are too quiet and controlled.

I waited for Ray to wake up and comfort Mat or something.....and waited......and waited.

The longer I sat listening to Mat's sobs, the more certain I became that Ray could not have slept through them. No, don't jump to conclusions Sarah, he could just be a deep sleeper. Somehow I doubted it. He was awake and was ignoring his little brothers cries. I take back what I said earlier, that's just cruel.

Anger bubbling in my veins I threw the duvet back, walked quickly around Peter, and before I could properly think about what I was doing I was stood in front of the door to Peter's room.

I let out the breath I was holding as I looked at the door. Going in there and shouting wasn't going to make things any better. I sighed, deciding that ye old silent treatment for Ray was the way to go. Taking another deep breath I opened the door and crept into the room.

Slowly, I moved through the darkness towards the continuing sound of sobbing. I knelt down next to the bed, watching as Mat's shadowy form burried it's head further into the pillow. I hesitantly put my hand on his shoulder "Mat?". I wispered gently.

He tensed under my touch for a moment before flinging his arms around my neck and hiding his tears in my shoulder. I pulled him closer, rocking him in what I hoped was a soothing motion.

We sat there for what felt like eternity befor his crying stopped and his breathing became more even as he fell asleep.

Very carefully I laied Mat back down in the bed and tucked the covers around him before standing up and stretching. Looking over I could see Summer sat up on the other side of the sofa bed, watching me.

I frowned, Ray was ment to be sharing with Mat, what was Summer doing sleeping there? I shook my head in disgust as I noticed that Ray was passed out on the other bed. Why wasn't he looking after his siblings?

I made my way round the bed, careful not to trip over the bags in the dark. Summer smiled weakly at me as I sat down next to her, the bed dipping under the new weight.

"I asked to swap" she whispered looking over at Ray. " They don't get along very well"

I smiled and shook my head, unsure of quite what to say. The darkness settled upon us as we sat side by side in silence.

"Thank you". she said suddenly, looking down at her hands.

I frowned. "What for?"

"For getting him to sleep".

"It was no problem, I was awake and heard him so I came in".

"But you didn't have to, so thank you". Summer paused and looked up at me with an expression I couldn't quite understand.

"How did you do it? I mean, you got him to trust you and to stop crying just like that. Without even saying anything".

"Well,I...I think that people trust you when they can tell you genuinely care, like I can see you do". Her eyes immediately snapped back up to mine.

"Really" she asked hope now lacing her tone. I smiled.

"Of course, it's easy to see you care about your brother, he's lucky to have a big sister like you to look after him"

"I worry about him, he's really close to mum and Henry. It's just..." she sighed.

I wrapped an arm around her and she leaned into my side. I wanted to say something. But I couldn't. No words could make this right. They wouldn't rewind time and change what happened.

But I wish they could.

We stayed like that for a long time. Summer had long ago run out of tears to cry but I could still feel her trembling slightly where her head was resting on my shoulder. And in all that time I still hadn't found any words to say. It wasn't like I could just "Abracadabra" everything better.

I couldn't go back in time and stop Henry and Anna getting in their car. All I could do was sit with these childeren and hope that it will all turn out ok in the end.

                    .......................

I have never felt more useless in my life, but somehow Summer seemed to calm down, her trembling eventually subsided and her breathing evened as she fell asleep. I stayed still for a little longer, until I was sure I could lift her off my shoulder without waking her.

After tucking the covers around the girls delicate form I quietly made my way round the suitcases towards the door.

Looking back to make sure Summer and Mat were still asleep, my eyes landed on Ray. I felt my earlier anger come back. What was his problem? They were just kids! Scared kids! I can't understand how he left them to cry like that. He was in the same room!

Shaking my head, I turned and slowly found my way through the darkness to my own room and my own bed where I dropped onto the covers. I vaguely remembered that my own brother was sleeping on the floor in here tonight and I spared a thought to hope that I didn't step on him.

The rest of my thoughts were consumed with Ray. What was that boy's issue?