T^2M^2 qms

Understand, 11-19-18

My greatest foe, from one of Spots' essays in "Toshi" (unpublished)

Friend:
acquaintance

Foe:
enemy

Nightmare:
a very bad dream

-Definition from Merriam Webster

Every now and then, I have nightmares. They are very weird, to be honest, but are still able to scare me to death.

I would be chased by something I do understand, I'd keep trying to wake up (that's part of the dream), unexplainable creatures would stare straight to my sanity, there would-

Ugh. It's just weird, okay? Sometimes even scarier than real life.

I just don't understand them. I feel the events but don't understand or remember the story. I guess this probably is the most ununderstandable thing for me.

And it makes me laugh to know that it's just my own brain creating those images and plays in my head. Meaning, even I, myself, do not understand me.

It's funny. A little sad but if we're talking about the nightmares, they suffocate me. They really freak me out.

But then, at least in these kinds of situations--even how painful, stressful, unbearable-- I could always reassure myself,

"It's just a dream"

* * *

I remember some of the school staff interviewing me before. They were asking random people as well to answer this question:

"For you, what's the difference between a friend and a foe?"

I would have laughed or rolled my eyes at the basic question but of course, they were not asking because they did not know the answer.

They wanted to know what I think.

Secondly, I would have simply said that a friend is an acquaintance while a foe is an enemy but that wouldn't be "nice". They would place that in our newspaper and if I said that then people would think I'm dumb! Or that my mind was too shallow!

Not that it really mattered but then it really mattered.

I seriously don't understand myself, too.

Let's just get this over with. I look at the girl patiently waiting for my reply as she roamed her eyes around.

I flinched when one brain cell was finally born. "A friend is someone who understands you. An enemy is someone who does not understand you."

That sounded even dumber but I guess it would be alright.

'I thought it mattered?' My brain inquired. 'I don't understand'.

* * *

While I was scrolling through the Internet at home, something suddenly hit me. The realization was quite hard to believe.

I was very surprised, you see.

Remember when I said that my dreams are the most  ununderstandable things for me?

Except for the feelings?

And that my dreams are controlled by my own mind?

Then guess what?

I am my greatest foe.