It would be hard to explain what he looked like when I hung up on him. Obviously I couldn’t see his face, being hundreds of thousands of miles away merely connected by cell phones, but normally, I’d still know. We just knew each other way too well, and though I’d regularly be able to illustrate his exact emotions, for the first time it was unclear.
Finding out about Harry and I not only at this time, but especially from her could’ve been perpetually antagonizing. But with him it’s hard to tell when things actually get to him or if he’s playing it cool because he honestly doesn’t care. And I don’t know why I was so mad about it. It must sound super bitchy for me to say this, but the only reason she told him was because she wants him for herself. And though she’s one of my best friends, that was a low move. She claimed it just slipped out because she was angry with him, and she was mad that we’d been getting along so well. But that still doesn’t make me feel better about what she did.
Since what happened before I moved here, the last time we were all together, she’s barely talked to me. An occasional “Hey, how’s England?” or any other generic message I’d expect from a neighbor or second cousin was all I heard from her. And she hasn’t brought it up once, as if it was normal. Or she expected it somehow. It’s been eight months give or take a few days since my plane landed, and I’m still waiting to have to explain myself; ourselves.
I’m sure Harry suspected something was wrong. The way I threw my phone onto the rug and collapsed onto the couch. He was there hopelessly watching me for the whole phone call. You could tell he was resisting listening in, but once my emotions started going crazy it was impossible to ignore. He always seemed to know everything: a trait I wish we shared. Harry didn’t have to say anything. Once I sat next to him, he just pulled me onto his shoulder and let me cry.
I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself if he hadn’t been there to comfort me. Some pillows would be thrown, I’d probably scream a lot, but he was. And I kept crying because the way he comforted me, and kept me calm made me realize how much I needed him, and I didn’t know until that moment.
I’m pretty sure we weren’t dating at this point. Our relationship was pretty complicated, but we were always the best of friends. I never wanted to call us “friends with benefits” because that’s how I defined Sammy and me. The concept of friends with benefits just seems so fake and meaningless to me. And my relationship with Sammy or whatever you want to call it definitely had no meaning at all.
No one was meant to find out about Sammy and me, especially because I knew I was leaving soon after it began. But if the roles were switched, and Harry was the one I was on the phone with, Sammy wouldn’t have been there with me. And that’s the difference. Sammy was never as much of a friend as Harry was. Harry and I manage to hide that we’re anything more than friends, though everyone knows there’s always been something between us. Just none of them know we’ve acted upon it.
After what seemed like forever of alligator tears, Harry finally broke the silence, “You know, there’s a reason why he’s back there and you’re here with me. You can easily hang up on him and he’ll be gone. But you’ll never be able to hang up on me” he said with a wink. I looked up at him and smiled. Again, he knew exactly what I needed.
Less than a second after, we heard the doorbell ring and Harry reached for the tissues, “You oughta use these before I let Danielle in” He quickly kissed my forehead and darted for the door. Danielle and Liam ran in laughing before Harry could barely get the door open. The two of them looked like miserable, wet puppies. They’d been cuddled together trying to stay dry but it obviously hadn’t worked.
Danielle had been in England for five years now, and you could tell she had completely caught on to the accent. She was talking really fast about their adventures in the rain, though Harry and I were both still in a bit of a solemn mood, so Liam and Danielle ended up being the only ones laughing. Danielle looked really flustered and Liam brought her into the kitchen to calm her down. “So what have you crazy kids been up to?” Liam said returning and giving me a wet hug. When I barely responded he came closer and looked at my puffy red eyes. He lowered his tone to almost a whisper saying “Hey, you alright babe?” I nodded and smiled. “Yeah I’ll be okay”
By now Danielle had already shuffled upstairs to change into some dry clothes barely saying a word, and Harry and I snuck into the kitchen giggling as we buried our heads in the fridge. Returning with armfuls of food, laughing, my eyes met Liam’s again and he still looked concerned. I was grateful that he cared so much; he was like a big brother to me. But this time, I wanted to figure it out myself.
